Symptoms mostly have to do with my growing size, which I am loving (so much more to write about that!). I did make it a full ten days without vomiting and then got massively sick on Saturday after a lunch of (fake) Mexican followed by a milkshake a few hours later. Apparently those were mistakes. Breast changes galore, as well.

Back at almost 12 weeks, I felt a fluttery, bubbly sensation in my abdomen that I have never felt before and believed was fetal movement. I have not felt much since, but in the past week have started to get interesting rolling feelings that feel like my lower abdomen is rolling in on itself… seems to me like something is going on! (I never understood why women would say “I didn’t know if it was movement or not” but now I totally get it… I want to feel something so much that it’s easy to trick myself into “maybe that wasn’t movement at all.”)

I have been taking belly shots since 6 weeks… and realized tonight that the shirt that I chose is never EVER going to make it to 40 weeks. It is a workout shirt that was form fitting at the start of the pregnancy (the better to see the non-existent “bump” with my dear)… at this point, the bottom of my stomach sticks out a little when I put it on… and it’s just going to get worse. I wonder if I can find the shirt somewhere in a bigger size?

No other news on this front. Work is busy but the part time job is winding down. Life is busy and I don’t know how we’ll ever get everything done in time when we are both so tired at the end of our (work / work + second job / work + school) days.  We see the midwives tomorrow – I am so excited to hopefully hear the little one and to get reassurance that all is well (please let all be well!)

As we began actually trying, C realized fairly quickly that she agreed with the doctor. It was important to her to make sure that the two children were at least full half siblings, biologically connected through the donor if at all possible, as she and I might each be taking a turn at the pregnancy thing and we do not have the money or interest in voluntarily undergoing IVF just so that we can share eggs. In thinking about this further, it not only made sense from a more intangible potential connection-between-siblings perspective but from a practical and tangible sharing-genetic-material-with-someone-else-may-benefit-you-medically-in-the-long-run perspective. So we decided that when the time came, depending on finances and our state of mind, we would consider purchasing additional vials (also making sense in the saving money perspective as vial costs continue to rise exponentially).

So I got pregnant in November. And at 16 weeks, we are feeling pretty good about the pregnancy (finally). And the cry.obank just announced that their prices would be going up very soon.  And we are still part of their little “club,” earning us lots of good discounts and deals. And our donor still had plenty of vials available.

After looking at our finances (and realizing that two or so years from now we won’t likely be in a better financial position), C and I decided that tax refunds mean planning for the future. And we ordered a bunch of vials, scoring free storage for two years and two free vials based on the current and previous purchases (saving well over $2,000 in the process which makes my little I-love-to-save heart VERY happy).

So now, in the midst of lots of pregnancy fun (oh the leg cramps last night!), we are not only thinking ahead but have invested a good chunk of change in doing this again, while not knowing for sure if we will try and knowing that, even if we do try, the investment may not actually pay off. It is bizarre to me because, while I am a planner, I am also really trying to focus on the present moment and enjoying this time that we’ll never get back. And while it is true that once we get the paperwork and file it away for a date sometime in the future, it is also true that a little part of my mind will consider those tiny expensive vials from time to time and wonder what might come.

At first it was just the coworkers that know, but now it’s also coworkers that don’t officially “know,” though apparently according to a coworker in the know, I gave away my whole pregnancy by wearing motion sickness bands to a training several weeks ago. Ever since them, several of my colleagues have asked him if he knows what’s up. Who in the world is that super sleuthy to guess that? Why do people have the time to guess that? And why would that be the one day (seriously, the bands didn’t work so well for me) that I would be trying just about anything to keep myself from vomiting?

It’s really not a big deal, of course folks are going to guess (and talk). I just was excited about my little secret and finding out that it’s not such a secret after all (and not for a good, baby bump reason, but for a silly had-to-deal-with-nausea reason) is a little disappointing. That being said, I’ve neither confirmed nor denied anything (and won’t until after my appointment next week) and in the meantime I get to chuckle a little to myself when I see someone’s eyes shifting ever-so-cautiously down down down.

This week I have had far fewer symptoms overall except the exhaustion, my belly continues to get bumpier, and by God, I finally FEEL pregnant even when I’m not focusing on pregnancy-related matters. I have spent lots of my anxious time hoping that I will feel movement and even asked C this weekend if she thought it was okay that I was holding my breath in the hopes of feeling something (she did not).

My biggest complaint this week is with my closet. My jeans are still fitting (with a belly band) but I have stacks of clothes that no longer fit. Apparently, I love form-fitting clothes and apparently my form has changed too much for those clothes to still fit. Cue endless grumbling in the morning. I was getting up significantly earlier to manage my morning sickness; now that that’s done, I’m getting up early enough to spend twenty minutes in the closet deciding which of the five shirts that still work will be lucky enough to be chosen. My boss tells me I’m noticing it more than anyone and that might be true, but I also think she might not be paying much attention.

Overall, I’m very happy with how things seem to be progressing. I will be a bit happier after the midwife appointment next week (confirmation of all going well is always a good thing) but it finally feels like we are on track to having a baby ( and I write that with only a little nervous superstitious feeling, which is a huge improvement!)

This is the tenth day of hearts, love, and candy that C and I have had together and we are spending it like we’ve spent all of them – in a low-key manner with a few special touches here and there. I did splurge on a massage for her because with all the extra weight she’s been carrying around the house, she deserves it (and needs it, quite honestly). She’s bringing home dinner tonight (so excited – I actually KNEW what I wanted for dinner… and I STILL WANT IT!) and we’re going to enjoy time together.

Best. Day. Ever.

I will never forget how nervous I was before that appointment. How the office called around noon (I was in a meeting) to make sure we were still coming. How the waiting room was empty (foreshadowing for almost every subsequent visit). I won’t forget the way I felt at ease when we began to talk… and the way I felt nervous all over again when the doctor casually mentioned that “we’ll do a full exam today.” He suggested that even with my thyroid, we might be able to start as soon as June, and noted that it would be wonderful to have a spring baby. Our meeting with him lasted over two hours and afterward C and I grabbed lunch and marveled at the beginning of yet another adventure.

I mentioned then and I’ll mention now that he also kept making statements such as “when you are pregnant” as compared to “if you are pregnant.” I have wondered since if he says that to all new patients (what a great selling point!) or if my age and lack of any obvious problems with fertility gave him extra confidence.  Regardless, I am so happy that he was right and that we are where we are.

The big worry coming out of that meeting was financing what was revealed to be a quite expensive procedure. Although we considered looking around further to see if we could save money (and we probably could have, though maybe not much), I am so glad that we stayed where we did… it made for significantly less stress working with our one doctor throughout everything.

There’s not really much else to say – I said most of it then and it is time for bed. I just wanted to take a quick moment to pause and be grateful… for one of the first steps that led us to where we are today (and for every single one of you who at the time gave feedback, comments, and support when I asked for them).

Have a great weekend!

Although I’ve been using a belly band for a while for comfort (and to avoid a really big muffin top), I am officially THIS CLOSE to not being able to button my pants (as in, I can if I suck and push and pray, but it hurts when they are buttoned and looks like the button will pop off). I don’t know that this is the “popping” that folks speak of as I just have had a gradual expansion of my midsection (despite losing half a pound this week).

Pregnancy symptoms continue in a (not-so) delightful fashion. I celebrated my 15 week milestone by throwing up my breakfast and have been close to getting sick again today though it thankfully hasn’t happened. I had a random leg cramp in the middle of the night the other night and often wake up to tingly numb arms. My sinuses have also been fun and probably contributing to the nausea.

This past week, we did go social media public. I probably could have waited longer, but I’m super glad I didn’t. It was on my mind quite a bit and it’s nice to have that room back for other worrying, which all seems to be concentrated between 4 am and whenever I fall back asleep (sometimes not for an hour or more). I have taken up worrying about the pregnancy, the baby, life, and work. The last one is very unusual for me as I’ve always been pretty fabulously amazing at leaving a very emotionally draining job behind at the end of the day. But it’s hard to do when there are so many worries to choose from and so much time to worry! The good news is that despite the sleep disruption, I’m not overly tired (though I’m yawning as I type this).

From time to time these days, I find myself wondering and waiting for the first flutters. To be fair, I think I felt the first first flutters a couple weeks ago – a feeling in my lower abdomen like what I would imagine soda bubbles feeling like inside a glass – but outside of one other similar situation, I have not felt anything like that since. I am hopeful for more confirmation that things are okay and won’t rest until I feel something definitive or until we hear the heartbeat in a couple of weeks.

Otherwise, we keep chugging merrily and quickly along. There are so many posts in my head, so many topics that I keep thinking about, but they disappear in the midst of 12 hour work days, nausea, and finding time for everything else in my life.

Most of those were not entirely accurate. And I’m sure many others won’t be either. So here begins my log of personal pregnancy ideals that have turned out to be myths. These are in no particular order. Please feel free to add your own as we go along.

#1: When I get pregnant, I will feel pregnant.

Could this one be further from the truth?! Okay, okay, I definitely did “feel pregnant” the day before I got my positive test – I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I even took a nap, which is unheard of for me. And there are times, like when I’m throwing up my breakfast or my wife rubs my stomach or I see the growing bump that I definitely feel more pregnant than not. There are also times when I do have a sense of something more, especially when I write to the future baby in our pregnancy book or when I have quiet meditative time. But on the whole, I mostly feel like a sick, de-energized version of myself. I know I am pregnant enough to worry about NOT being pregnant, but thus far there has not been any constant, reassuring knowledge like I thought I would have.

#2: It will be so great when I start to show!

Okay, so it IS pretty great. When I’m at home. But at my job, which involves a lot of contact with various individuals, it has been challenging to decide what to tell and when, whether to cover it up or go with the flow. I am not to full on showing, but I definitely have a little belly that definitely looks (to me and C) like more than too many Christmas cookies. Needless to say, I spend a bit of time in our closet each morning trying to decide what to wear – and each week my selection gets smaller and smaller as old stand-bys become virtual pregnancy announcements.

#3: Once I  ______, I will be less worried.

Fill in with your own point along the pregnancy timeline. Once I have a positive test… a doubling HCG… an early sonogram… a later sonogram… a bump… as you know if you read this blog regularly, the worry has not ended, though I will definitely say that it has changed with each week that passes. I am better able to compartmentalize the worry, to see it as a natural part of the process, and to let it go and hope for the future. It doesn’t hurt to be out of the “danger zone” of the first 12 weeks, though I have read enough posts by enough women to know that statistics don’t always mean a whole heckuva lot.

#4: Once I’m pregnant, I will be the most knowledgeable pregnant lady around.

When we were trying, I didn’t allow myself to dwell in the land of “when-I’m-pregnant” too often. Which means that while I did read a couple books about pregnancy and could recite the basics, I am just now learning oh-so-much about what pregnancy means. And what motherhood means, too. And that there is a ridiculously overwhelming amount of information out there that keeps me from really having good knowledge about anything since everything changes each week! I also find that I have very little ability to retain or interest in retaining information, which sometimes makes me feel like I both underprepared and selling myself short. I mean yeah, it would be great to learn all these awesome pregnancy and motherhood lessons but I also am working a full time job and a part time job, spending time with C and Wonderdog, and throwing up or laying down otherwise.  Sue me.

#5: I can’t wait to be pregnant so that I can gleefully eat everything in sight.

Oh that this were true. Earlier tonight, while watching a fictional family sit around their dinner table on television, I woefully said to C, “I miss enjoying food.” Food has always been one of my favorite things, though I didn’t realize how much it was a favorite thing until the mention of any of it became repulsive. I have days where I do actually get hungry and might even “crave” something (quotation marks for just how loosely I use the word crave, as in “actually want something”) but overall food and I are not friends. I don’t long to eat, I don’t plan my next meal, I don’t even enjoy dessert. And when I do eat, I can only eat so much or else I feel sick, a dramatic change from the clean-plate-club gal I’ve always been (at least when I like what I’m eating). I hope that someday I get real cravings. Or a desire to eat. Because this eating-because-I-know-I-have-to business for the past EIGHT-ALMOST-NINE weeks is getting a little ridiculous.

What about you? What are / were your pregnancy myths?

I spent the majority of my entry into the second trimester sick. I got a chest-throat-nose cold that kept me from feeling even close to my best and led to me missing out on fun with my wife and her mom, including staying at home while they went to see a play that I had been very excited to see. It’s now over a week later and I’m just starting to feel close to 80% (which is where I spent most of the first trimester, except for those super-fun-sick-all-day days).

*TMI moment below – please skip ahead a paragraph if you have a weak stomach and / or don’t want to read about general pregnancy nastiness *

This week included continued nausea, likely related to the unending post-nasal drip. It also included some pretty horrendous vomiting of entire meals, including two dinners and a breakfast. Nothing says super fun like pieces of chicken coming out your nose or toilet water splashing BACK INTO YOUR MOUTH. I am hoping that once I completely kick this cold it will get much much better while simultaneously cursing every individual and website that told me “just wait until your second trimester, it’ll get so much better.” I will say I’ve had more good days since I’m not as sick and maybe it’s a trend… but I don’t want to speak too soon.

* END TMI MOMENT*

In other news, I am definitely showing at this point and am struggling to maintain a not-pregnant, not-frumpy look as I am not interested in every individual with whom I work knowing about the pregnancy just yet, for a variety of reasons. It is becoming increasingly difficult and I am waiting for someone to just guess. I did tell several coworkers over the past week who were very supportive and excited.

We still have not publicly (as in through social media) announced the pregnancy. While part of me wants to, another part of me is still a bit nervous that something could be wrong. And  anyone I would want supporting me if something happened already knows, so it’s not as if there is much to gain (except bragging rights!) by being more public at this point. I’m also at this weird stage where I BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING but I have no daily evidence except for puking still, which doesn’t exactly feel like the creation of life. I don’t know, lots of thoughts on this one but I’m having trouble articulating today as evidenced by the excellent writing quality of this post.

I have been reading everyone else’s blogs but have had difficulty commenting. I am glad that so many of you are doing so well and am hopeful for everyone else

Roses:

• My part-time supervisor was super understanding and we might transition the cases more quickly than I had imagined we would (two nights a week home “early” before the spring gets here? AWESOME!).
• Was asked at the pharmacy tonight whether I had children and I got to pat my stomach and say “In July!”
• Also at the pharmacy, had a funny conversation in which I put “prenatals” and “liquor store” in the same sentence, noting that my pharmacy bag (which is huge and brown paper for the prenatals) looks like a bag from a liquor store.
• Mother-in-law comes to town tomorrow. Good for me and especially for C.
• Wife is picking up dinner tonight since neither of us feel up to cooking.

Thorns:

• Seems like the nausea is ebbing but that I’ve picked up an upper respiratory infection. Same deal I get every year with the productive, painful cough.
• My home office is a disaster… like seriously embarrassing. Might just close the door for the weekend because I’m too tired / sick to clean it.
• Work is SUPER stressful this week and it’s a six day work week. I did not stop at all today which might be good because if I had, I would have collapsed into sleep.