27 Weeks – Hello 3rd Trimester!

WHERE IS TIME GOING?

This week has been pretty good. While we’ve known the sex of the baby for a little while, we decided to finally tell our parents (cue excitement) and continue to tell family members. We continue to work on the baby’s room, test drive names, and enjoy our time as a family of 2 plus Wonderdog.

Pregnancy signs this week: LOTS of activity. Especially yesterday when the Cub was moving from about 6 pm until close to midnight with few breaks in between. I fell asleep before midnight, but C (finally) felt some good kicks in her back, which made me pretty excited. Sleep is becoming more of commodity and if it’s not me waking myself up, it’s C or Wonderdog waking me up (C by accident, Wonderdog very much on purpose). I’m averaging about 3 wake-ups a night and many of them involve descending my super-steep stairs to take a bathroom break.  I also spend most of my sleeping time in REM sleep as evidenced by the plethora of random dreams, which are not more vivid but definitely more strange than what I am used to.  Back aches are more frequent as are sleeping arms and legs. I also am quickly losing stamina.

This week coming up, we start our first birthing class. I’m fortunate to have a friend who is due around the same time I am, so when she told me about the class I was pretty much all for it.  I’m not sure what I think about it, but I’m hoping it will be useful and I’m glad to be at a point in the pregnancy where being proactive feels just right and not super early. We also have to tour the hospital sometime soon and probably 15 million other things that I’m hoping I’ll hear about at my midwife appointment tomorrow. We did, fortunately, have a great meeting with a potential daycare provider on Friday, so that is headed in the right direction and we hope to sign a contract with her shortly.

I really can’t believe that we’re in the final stretch. It’s incredibly exciting and incredibly overwhelming, way too fast and a bit scary. And fun. 

Pregnant / Fat

Last week, at a lunch I was attending, a woman asked me if I had any children.  I replied no, that this would be my first, and she appeared surprised and asked when I was due, saying she did not even realize I was pregnant (mind you, I was wearing a very maternity-like maternity top). I replied “the end of July” and, in the course of her reply, noted that I was “wearing the pregnancy well,” implying that by not looking hugely pregnant, I was somehow winning at pregnancy.

A friend pointed out that she was probably just trying to cover her possible embarrassment at not noticing my pregnancy – and that might very well be true – but I think her statement is also reflective of the larger societal problem of how we view the bodies of women and how, in turn, women view themselves.  There is a problem when a 6 1/2month pregnant woman is looked at as doing well because she is not over-showing and just as great a problem when a 9-month-pregnant woman is told that she “looks ready to explode,” “is so big,” etc.

I think some of the problem is body image and some of the problem is pregnancy image. The body image problem is the same old story you know – in the USA, we value being small to the exclusion of healthy practices and that value seems to transfer right on over to pregnancy. The pregnancy image problem is one of either not valuing or not fully understanding pregnancy, expecting all women to fit into some ideal of what pregnancy is, and somehow being surprised when a woman GROWING A CHILD is bigger than that expectation. It’s also a problem of not trusting that women can make the right pregnancy health decisions for themselves and that being bigger does not necessarily mean unhealthy any more than being smaller and fitting into those expectations means healthy.

I am pretty lucky in that I believe I have a fairly good body image (but I also know that I have the privilege of having fairly good genes to begin with, which makes a huge difference in my life experiences related to body image). And I have largely enjoyed my growing body – see what it is doing, what it can do.  And recognizing that it will never be the same again, but accepting that easily as part of the gift that pregnancy is for me. But even I find that as I get bigger and my bump gets less bumpy and more bulgy that I judge my size differently and more harshly than I should.  And being surrounded by others who may be doing the same leaves me a little sad for pregnant women as a group, powerful and beautiful creatures that we are! (Funny that even as I write that, I feel like I’m “bragging” too much or too full of myself… but maybe we need to be a little strong in our self-praise, maybe that’s also part of the problem).

Anyway, it was an interesting experience.  I don’t want to disregard the importance of health during pregnancy, but I also don’t believe that most folks talking about size are also talking about health, even if they hide behind that thin veil of concern (perhaps while (humorously) consuming a double cheeseburger from the local fast food joint). I think that pregnant women – all women – - all people – deserve better.

26 Weeks!

This past week included our super fun weekend away along with continued preparation of the nursery. I realized just how much we have left to do (see last post) and today we made a list of those things and delegated tasks so that we can get more done.

Pregnancy signs this week mostly include feeling and looking bigger than ever. As I tell anyone who remarks on my size, “that’s good, it means the baby is growing,” but man oh man do I miss my cute little bump. Shopping for maternity clothes was more fun when I felt like me plus a little. Now I feel like me plus a lot and it’s weird to see so much of my shape giving way to baby belly.  Other signs include occasional nausea, mostly in the mornings and when I endure sudden temper changes, hunger galore, and continued fetal movement.  Today, the Cub even kicked when some music came on, though I’m not sure if it’s coincidence or reaction to sound. I also think I (finally) felt some hiccups earlier today… it was a short burst, if it was them, but there was definitely rhythmic movement for a couple minutes. Anyone have insight as to whether that might have been them?

More people are reacting to me being pregnant and I feel pretty squarely in the “she definitely looks pregnant” category, which is fun. I can’t lie, I’m looking forward to any additional attention I might get out of the deal and certainly the extra help.  I am also fascinated by people asking how I feel as though I’m falling apart… “how are you FEELING?” they say and they seem surprised when I say “I’m good, and you?” as though they asked “how are you?” which more demands that type of response.

I continue to gain about a pound a week, which would be fine except I had big gains in the first trimester and first half of this trimester (I don’t know how, I swear I was throwing up everything I ate!). I am fairly confident I’m going to get a little grief about it from the midwives during my appointment next week.  I want to incorporate more regular exercise into my life but work many long days and have been exhausted from the busy-ness of preparing for baby.  I need to just bite the bullet and do it.

Like I said yesterday, time is flying by and while I can’t stop it, I sure wish I could, just for a little while. Where has 6 1/2 months gone?

Weekend Getaway

Went for a quick overnight camping trip this weekend. It was a lot (A LOT) of work for not that much time, but still so worth it to get away for a little while. Especially because we got to see the water and eat some of our favorite foods. 

Like all of our recent adventures, there was some discussion of this likely being THELASTTIME we [insert activity here] without having to also make plans for a child or having a child with us. A naive thought, in terms of all that could happen, but a happy (and scary) one, nonetheless.

Also realized just how much there is left to do for baby and just how little time is left. I am especially overwhelmed at the prospect of second parent adoption – not so much jumping through the the hoops, I’m good at filling out forms and answering questions –  but PAYING for it. Especially when we have other not-quite-yet-but-soon-to-be-needs like, I don’t know, replacing the cars that either sound like they are about to die (mine) or sometimes don’t start for half an hour, usually on the coldest days of the year or whenever one is trying to get somewhere in a hurry (hers). 

I feel like time is flying by… and I wish it would slow down a little. I am wanting to capture every moment, every feeling in my head because not only will this time fly by, but I imagine the time of babyhood and infancy and toddlerhood will all also speed past.  Still, trying to savor the moment while also living every day life and preparing for the future is a tall order at times.  I just need a month to wrap my head around everything, read all the books I thought I would be reading, take all the classes I thought I would be taking, find a pediatrician, finish the nursery, and spend time with my wife… is that too much too ask?!

25 Weeks!

Sailing right along, thankfully.

Spent this past weekend preparing for baby by spending several hours on Sunday framing a closet with my father. Which brings me to my first pregnancy sign this week: sore feet. I often have minor foot pain if I’ve been standing all day, but during our closet project, my foot pain was evident and rough within a couple hours. It fortunately went away overnight so I wasn’t limping to work on Monday. 

Other signs have included some fantastic mood swings and – very recently – the return of feelings of ravenous hunger, which I haven’t really had in over 20 weeks. I have very VERY occasional nausea but am so happy to be enjoying eating again, to looking forward to food regardless of what that food is, and to have ideas about what I want to eat. The ravenous part is taking some getting used to as I find that I can be ravenously hungry during odd times of the day and my work schedule does not always allow enough breaks to eat just when I realize I’m oh-so-hungry.

But by far, the biggest and most exciting pregnancy sign this week is that C has had significantly more opportunities to feel the Cub move, including one in which she jumped backwards and said “Oh! Stop it!” while laughing. Last night (well, super early this morning), she had her hand on my stomach as we both tried to go back to sleep and felt the baby partying away. Which makes me super happy because it feels like she can really start to bond more with the Cub in a way that is tangible. 

Otherwise, all is very status quo. I’m getting used to my bigger size day after day and forget that I cannot just slip past people anymore or sit on the floor so easily or any of the other dozens of things that my smaller body could handle with ease.  I really should get more clothes as my early-mid spring clothes are getting a little too warm (and some too small, despite being maternity!). I am trying to up the exercise and am hopeful that this week, with fewer late nights, I will be able to take more walks with Wonderdog. We’re also tentatively planning an adventure for this weekend that is sure to get us moving.

Our big conversation this week (as you may have gathered from yesterday’s post) is about leave after the birth. I’ve always planned to take 12 weeks, no questions asked, but professionally it will be difficult for C to do that. I really like Isa’s idea of the split leave in terms of having our baby at home longer, but even that would be challenging for C. In the long list of things no one tells you about ttc is the fact that moving to Canada might not be a bad idea before getting pregnant. 

Overall, I have found myself feeling exceedingly grateful this week. I like this part of pregnancy quite a bit (everyone said I would and once I got past the nausea, they were right!) and I’m enjoying dreaming about the future while not having to actually live it just yet  

Question of the Week: Time Off after Baby

So the conversation happening in our house this week is how much time C will take off when the baby is born. Some of this will be dictated by finances and some by preference, but inquiring minds want to know: How much time did you / your significant other take off when you had a baby or how much time are you planning for each of you to take off?  Any particular reason why you made the choices you did?

Never Alone

Warning: This is going to be one of those posts that is relative to me and my experience but has the potential to leave you annoyed (or worse). I don’t know if adding the disclaimer makes it worse or better, but it felt important to me to acknowledge.

There are moments during this pregnancy – perhaps hormonally driven – when I long for just a little bit of separation between me and the fetus and the constant, unending awareness of being with child. These moments are generally fleeting, but I sometimes find myself annoyed with being always aware that everything is going to change, always in transition. At times, I feel that I have lost my stability, my sense of self because it is so hard to find firm footing and be who I am when a part of who I am changes daily with the growth and development of the Cub and the forward march to the birth day. And then I get kicked repeatedly and I feel simultaneously grateful and irritated, which then leads to guilt for not being super grateful at all times (which, when I’m rational, seems like a ridiculous notion for anyone). And of course, the opposite also occurs, where I haven’t felt a kick in a little while and I worry that everything is okay (which, when I’m rational, is confirmation that I’m not heartless).

I think that many of these feelings are related to the general anxiety of pregnancy and parenthood. Will the baby be okay? Will we be okay?  Will be successful at all the aspects of caring for a newborn? How will we balance our helpful-but-sometimes-overwhelming family with our needs? How will our communication and relationship as a couple change? How we will manage our stress in a healthy way? Am I really ready to birth a child and how will that experience change my perception of self and my abilities? And on and on and on. For me, I believe the desire to be able to step away for a moment is more about the desire to step away from all of these worries.

On top of it all, I continue to worry about the impact of “bad karma” (in quotes because I realize karma is not as simplistic as I’m about to make it seem). That is, if I’m not eternally grateful, gracious, and glowing, will we be somehow punished? Will something horrible happen? And if I push that sense of karma aside and something does go wrong, will I regret not taking everything a bit more seriously? Again, in rational world, I confidently answer these questions; in the midst of anxiety, not so much.

Time does keep marching forward and we do move closer to the “big change” that all these little changes are leading toward. I am working to be in the moment because I know that despite the ups and downs and worries, I am going to miss this.

 

Toddlerfication of a Fetus

I was going to call it “personification” but as the Cub will be a person at birth (and pretty much is now), that’s not the right word.

Anyway, something that I find pretty interesting about being pregnant at this point is that I tend to think of the Cub as more of a toddler (or older child) than a newborn in terms of her vocabulary and ability to engage. That is, while I will chatter constantly to my newborn (Wonderdog gets an earful whenever we are alone together), I will realize that the newborn does not have the skills to understand words and so on and so forth. I don’t know that I always realize that with the Cub in his present state (for example, touching my stomach and encouraging the Cub to “kick for mama” — part of my brain understands that any movement is probably more in response to me invading her space and the sounds she can hear or just a random part of life but another part of me truly believes that kick equals some kind of understanding — even though I fully know that that is not the case).

Cheesy pregnancy websites do not help this tendency. One, describing how the fetus is now able to hear sounds, suggested “being careful with what you say!” as though the baby was going to come out screaming profanities if you curse “in front of it” now.

In an only semi-related way, I also am fascinated by the idea that the Cub cannot hear or understand my thoughts. It’s bizarre to me to be “with child” – to have a future child within and connected to me and for that child to not be somehow brain-connected. Is that strange? It feels strange to me and also kind of confusing.

These are the thoughts that roll around in my brain these days.

 

24 Weeks!

and feeling great! LOVING this part of the pregnancy. Baby is kicking, I’m not nauseous, I can still do things!

Biggest pregnancy sign this week is the kicking. And the occasional back pain that has made sleeping somewhat uncomfortable despite the presence of many pillows. And having difficulty getting up and down and up and down if I’m on the floor doing something (cleaning and organizing the house, building a closet, etc.).

Biggest non-physical sign is the stark realization that the Cub is going to just get bigger and bigger from here on out and will have to leave my body at some point.  Which sounded one (beautiful, life-giving) way in theory and sounds another (that’s-coming-from-where?!) way in practice. The other realization is that I won’t spend the next 16 or so weeks being this size with this level of ability – my size is going to increase, my abilities will decrease with each passing week… fun!

We’ve spent the last week engaging in preparation for the Cub’s arrival, first and foremost by working on the room that will be the nursery. Purchased a new toy in the form of a compound saw and, with my father’s help, began measuring, cutting, and putting together the frame that will be the baby’s closet. C also primed the (spackled, sanded) room. We’re still working on colors and themes, but that will come as the room comes together.

This past week has been all about gratitude. I am grateful that I am pregnant, that the pregnancy has come this far, and that we get to enjoy this life with these dreams in this moment. I still hesitate to make tons of definite plans for the future but I do indulge in the occasional “this time next year” and I recognize that I am fortunate in being able to do that.

Thinking good thoughts for all of you, no matter where you are in the enigma-wrapped-in-a-mystery that is ttc, pregnancy, and parenthood.

The Medicalization of Conception: Screenings, Tests, and Knowing Just (not) Enough

Been wanting to write this since our own few horror days a couple weeks ago.

The thing you learn early on in medicalized ttc is that nothing is certain, statistics don’t matter as much as your own individual situation, and your locus of control is narrow and limited, even when you play by all the rules.

The thing I learned (again) a couple weeks ago is that none of that changes once you’ve conceived.

I don’t remember if I wrote extensively about it, but in the middle of our first TWW, I noticed that our donor had disappeared from the listings on the cryobank website. Doing some research that Saturday (because of course you learn these things when no one can explain), I learned that one of his offspring had been born with some kind of genetic defect. While we later learned that the defect was still statistically unlikely to affect us and was largely treatable if it did manifest itself, we spent the weekend faced with a series of questions we had not fully considered as we as-blissfully-as-possible entered the world of trying to create a baby.

When I became pregnant, we had the basic blood tests and early ultrasounds that indicated  whether the fetus was viable, knowing that those results would go one of two ways and easily accepting the risk of bad news in the hopes of good news, recognizing that miscarriage was always a risk during those early weeks.

When we transitioned to the midwives, we were offered the range of early screens and bloodwork. We considered the options carefully before denying the tests, which can tell you nothing more than “you are at increased risk. Consider a more definitive test that will put you at increased risk for fetal demise.” We chose to forego the screens, knowing that it was unlikely that we would pursue an amnio even if something came back uncertain and believing that the tests could potentially cause a ton of stress.

When we got to the day of the 20-week ultrasound, we were anxious beforehand but naively confident when we finished since the tech had given us no impression that anything might be wrong.

And then we heard that a lot could be wrong. Not likely, they said. We actually never see it.

Except I’m not far enough removed from the land of ttc and I am fully aware how statistics work. They matter when reading an article, when making an argument. They mean nothing when you are faced with higher-than-usual odds that something isn’t right for you.

Suddenly we were encouraged to do one of the blood screens we had previously declined in advance of a second ultrasound to determine if all was well.  Suddenly we were forced to consider – really consider hard – what we would do in X situation or Y situation all while knowing that even the screens would give us no definite answer… and even a definitive amnio is not a magic eight ball.

We went for the blood screen. And the ultrasound. Because at the point of knowing that our future child could have a disorder that is “incompatible with life” it felt like any knowledge was better than none and no anxiety was worse than the creeping anxiety of “what-if”

While I spent most of that time worried and upset, in my clearer, more cerebral moments, I thought a lot about the screenings and tests and wondered how we have come so far and yet not far enough. We knew enough to be dangerous, enough to be worried sick, enough to consider a range of possibilities, but we would never know enough to quell the fears. No matter what can be seen in blood and amniotic fluid and sound waves, there is no seeing the future and that was what I wanted more than anything. Because it wasn’t the present living that was challenging but the future living that was already taking place in my head from the moment of the positive test, the first ultrasound, the first kick, the first “oh-you’re-pregnant” comments.

I can only speak to my experience, and I am glad that we had the additional testing done. But I cannot say for certain that I would feel the same way had the tests come back differently. I always thought I would be a “I’d rather know and be able to prepare” kind of gal, but now I realize that no matter what you might know, there is no preparation. And that even if everything comes back fine, you still don’t know how things might end up.

And we still don’t.