Medicalization + Conception = ?

One of the thing that frustrates me the most about the medicalization of conception is that every doctor does it differently. That is, ask three doctors how they handle a problem or how long frozen sperm lives in the uterus or whether temping is useful and you will get three different answers. I’m all for individualized medical treatment but the answers would vary just as widely if asking in reference to the same exact woman.

I realize that ART is relatively new compared to the whole history of medicine and I realize that there is trial and error and learning to be done, but man oh man do I wish I could 100% firmly rely on things I hear or read. It just seems like so much guesswork and so much luck and I am always surprised when I ask Dr.Google a question only to get fifteen pages with fifteen different answers in response.

(in other news, I’m not asking too many questions these days, just trying to be patient. FF decided that I did in fact ovulate on the day of the insemination and all other signs lined up so I am feeling pessimistically hopeful… or full of low expectations and high hopes… or wondering if I will be looking at sunny days or silver linings)

Sigh

Substitute thermometer fell on floor in middle of night. Substitute thermometer did Not beep when I pushed the button this am. Despite whacking it on a radiator (my father’s solution for all manner of broken electronic), which turned the temp to Celsius, substitute thermometer no longer functions.

It’s ok, I wasn’t looking forward to this morning just so I could temp or anything. And I love the idea of my first “real” chart having three thermometers represented.

Question of the week: Really, thermometer, REALLY?

(Okay, so this not really a question of the week at all, more a statement of minor angst)

So the past few mornings, my temperature has been higher than I would have expected. Whatever, temperatures are weird like that.

This morning, at 6:45 am, I used my trusty thermometer and it read 97.45. For me, that is a fairly high morning temperature in the follicular phase. Cue a bit of panic as I think of all the bad things that could prevent us from going through with the big plan.

I go back to bed (after going up and down steps) and about half an hour later, just for fun, check my temperature again. 97.33. That doesn’t make sense. Check it again right after. 97.18. Check it again after that. 96.80. Really?

So I reach in my drawer and pull out a second thermometer (thanks to us thinking that C might temp simultaneously just to see what her charts looked like… not so much). 97.18. Temp again. 97.18.

So I’m thinking my trusty thermometer, after six months of daily use, may not be so trusty anymore. What was really interesting is that the temps it shows seem to be standard temps for me at different points in my cycle, leading me to wonder how long this thing has NOT been accurate.

I will pick up with thermometer number 2 starting today, the one downside being that that thermometer has always shown slightly higher readings (even when my thermometer WAS working) so it will shift the chart a bit. Oh well.

(I realize that was a LOT of ranting about a thermometer, but COME ON months of working and then the month we are to try, unclear data… great!)

 

ETA: It was sitting here, so I took my temp again at 9 am and it read 97.18. I swear, it’s a Magic 8 Ball Thermometer that spits out one of six temperatures depending on how it’s feeling.

Why is FF never my friend?

Compared to past months, my chart this month is GORGEOUS. In terms of fairly steady temperatures throughout and a sense that this part of the month is lower.

Tuesday, I had a significantly higher temperature than usual. I also woke up with a sinus headache that last for much of the day and while I did not have a full-on fever, would not be surprised if something was going on. FF told me that I must have ovulated on CD 9, which is extraordinarily early for me in any situation.

My temps dropped again on Wednesday and FF couldn’t decide whether I ovulated or not. They rose again today SLIGHTLY (by .3 degrees, which is still in the realm of slight for my overall chart and within the range of temps earlier in the month) and FF decided I did in fact ovulate on Day 10.

What I hate is that FF talks constantly about not dropping temps and not considering one high temp the one true sign that something has occurred but month after month, when FF sees one out-of-range temp, even when it’s followed by several lower temps that do not indicate the kind of rise you would normally see in a biphasic pattern, it decides tentatively that I ovulated. I also hate that it told me not to start peeing on sticks until yesterday, so I waited even though if I DID ovulate, it was several days ago (when I got the sticks but decided to wait).

I realize I don’t have the whole cycle charted yet and I’m mostly just bitching, but c’mon FF, don’t make me feel like I failed to notice something when it doesn’t match up with any of my signs just because of one high temperature. K thanks.

Doctors who sell themselves…

So I have pretty much confirmed in every way that our RE is WAAAY too expensive. As in, some of you generously shared information about the cost of your own doctors and our RE is WAY WAY WAY more than that… like for the cost of one cycle with him, we could get one and a half or two cycles with someone else. EXPENSIVE.

But damn, I love his office. I was referred to an endo for some follow up and when I was talking to my RE, he asked which doctor / which office and then reminded me to give him the fax number for the endo when I got it. Then I got sick and two weeks later I called to give the fax number. Within ONE HOUR, they called back to say  that they went to fax it and realized that he had already faxed it – as in gotten the number and went ahead and sent it – THE DAY AFTER I TALKED TO HIM TWO WEEKS AGO.

Then I asked for my lab records to be sent to me – (1) because I paid an arm an a leg for that blood to get looked at, (2) because I like to have records, and (3) because I REALLY want records if we end up switching doctors.  Despite the fact that we have not received a bill from his office and that we have not paid him a dime (though we owe quite a bit), I had the lab results THE NEXT DAY.

Now maybe the massive local fertility factory is that nearby is just as quick and responsive, but a big part of me (who has worked with so many other doctors offices in the past) seriously doubts it. C says it’s because he has so few clients… which he could afford based on what he charges.

Anyway, I went from we’re sticking with him to I want someone new (and cheaper) to geez-I-really-love-this-guy. I logically am still unable to justify the extra cost – c’mon, REALLY? But emotionally I am caught!

(Also, the man had a note on my lab results from when he called me to talk about the one hormonal issue… and he spelled my name right, which is really not the biggest deal ever, but it was my NAME spelled CORRECTLY and I wasn’t just “the patient” or whatever)

GAH!

Wasted cycle

Yes, we’re only charting and not trying, but when I’m waking up every single day and shoving a thermometer in my mouth, I want some kind of results.

Unfortunately, right around potential ovulation day, I got REALLY REALLY sick and had a fever. Which means the temps following POD are artificially high (and not counted by FF, which drops any fever temps for good reason). Which means there is no way to know if my temp would have stayed low or would have jumped up.

This is only my second full cycle of charting but I was hoping I would see some kind of magical pattern when comparing it to the first cycle. I’ve already discussed how my temps are probably destroyed by my room temperature, but even just seeing a biphasic pattern would have been nice. I have one now, but I’ve been sick for almost a week, so I don’t trust it at all.

Who has it checked out?!!?

Where is the magical guide for the path to lesbian parenthood?

I just need a book and then I can look at pros / cons / costs and make a decision. If you have that book and can lend it to me, that would be awesome.

Really I am READY TO GO and have NO IDEA where to begin. We’ve decided not to try at home (I think that bickering* over how to thaw the little guys would probably not be good karma for baby making) but I can’t figure out who is the next best person to talk to to get this show on the road. Ideas? Please? (Because the internet is always the best place to go to get direction on major medical / potentially life altering decisions).

Or send me the book!

 

* Bickering = the mild, I-know-better-even-though-I-know-no-more-than-you back and forth rather than some kind of subtle sign that we should avoid parenthood at all costs, I swear!

True Story

This morning, C was talking to an old friend online who got married shortly after we did. I jokingly asked “is she pregnant yet?” and within a few minutes, C confirmed that yes, the friend is (very newly) pregnant.

And – here’s the true story part – I became tearful.

It’s not like we’re even actively trying yet (and don’t get me started on that because I don’t know what the hell I’m going to be like then). It’s just that there have been 3 babies born in the past week, another one in the past two months, and I know deep down inside that if we had all the proper parts (and all worked the way it should), we’d likely have a baby – or be close to having one – by now.

And I’m anxious. Anxious because I don’t know when we can/should start because of the way the economy is still affecting my employment (not a money thing, but a “if I get a new job and we got pregnant quickly I wouldn’t have time to qualify for FMLA” and “if I stay where I’m at, who knows if I’ll have a job in a year”). Anxious because sometimes being an adult feels like being in some kind of crazy race where people try to one up one another with their “Game of Life” milestones (one friend about a year older than we are has two blue pegs in her back seat and another peg on the way – though she also has a blue peg sitting with her in the front seat, which helps signifcantly!).

It does no good to dwell on this because there is a lot of good in my life right now, I’m still young enough to have many child bearing years ahead, and this isn’t a decision about everyone else, this is a decision about us. But DAMMIT I wish we could just “decide” to not use contraceptives and leave the decision to fate a little more (remind me of this in a few months when I complain that fate isn’t allowing me to ttc when I want or how I want or with the results I want).

Nothing’s worse than feeling simulaneoulsy ridiculous and justified.

Vacation Crazies

Vacation coming up and this pre-vacation madness has been the worst ever.

We were both sick last week, preventing us from finishing some last-minute house readiness stuff that won’t get done this week. We’ve worked late nights every night until today and as a result, the house is a mess. And work has been CRAZY and we pretty much picked the WORST time to leave both of our jobs.

But you know what they say, awful AWFUL pre-vacation = AMAZING vacation (despite threatening hurricanes / tropical depressions)…. right… RIGHT?

The post where I lose any friends I had

Lately (and primarily because I’m getting my head in the game because this is nothing new), I’ve noticed a lot of judgment being passed around about how people choose their path to becoming a parent, how they handle their pregnancy and delivery, and what they do afterward. Rather than judging people for doing things differently, I wish that there would be greater focus on the ways people are supported in making the best decision possible for themselves. Do parents have broad, accurate information? Are they aware of all the options (and are all the options even accessible to them)? What help is available to them if they have questions or concerns about a particular parenting style or method? 

And on top of all of that: how does the peanut gallery get support in accepting that a family is capable of making the best decisions for themselves?

I’m fine with strong-willed, informed people having strong beliefs for themselves. I’m fine with sharing strong beliefs. But I am not okay with the constant passing of judgement, particularly when the only thing that the judger has in common with the judged is offspring (if that!) and the only knowledge that the judger has about the judged is the brief experience during which the judgement took place.  And I’m not okay with shoving strong beliefs down someone else’s throat. And I’m not okay with the idea that just because I had a good experience or learned so much or realized all my faults in making one decision that that decision might not be just fine for someone else.

Sure this could apply to breastfeeding. Or to use of cloth versus disposable diapers. Or to the way a family chooses to keep their child close in a shopping mall (backpack leashes, anyone?) But really it applies to just about every situation in which someone decides that their way is the only way for everyone, that they have research or experience or some sign that proves that their truth is the only truth, and that they have some kind of God-given right to stick their nose up at anyone who does differently. 

Why is it wrong to do that when it’s Proposition 8 but right when it’s parenting?