… to a lesbian conception adventure!

On Disappointment

I am fortunate in that I have not had too many real disappointments in my life. Those that I’ve had have generally been sharp and fleeting, leaving behind a shadow of what-could-have-been rather than something more enduring.

With TTC, most of my disappointments have been fairly unsurprising and garden variety. I was disappointed when I could not try right away. And again when the first try did not go as planned (that is, it did not result in a BFP). And again when the second try’s timing seemed off and it also resulted in a BFN. Each of these has a related silver lining. Waiting allowed us time to save and prepare. The donor we used for try #1 was medically restricted halfway through the try, leaving us ambivalent about the idea of success. The second BFN, while not having a silver lining in its own right, is allowing us to take a break and gave us a better idea of timing and the importance of self-advocacy.

Lately the biggest disappointment has been not being pregnant when I thought I would be. That is, if this had worked on try #1, I would be finishing my first trimester this week. We would be planning for holiday visits and announcements and looking forward to April. Having always been acutely aware of time and dates, I find the let down of lost anticipation especially disheartening. On an unrelated note, I have also recently been disappointed to learn that so many of the donors we liked are no longer available and that our already limited selection has become even more sparse.

For a different point of view, I asked C about her perspective on disappointment, and she shared that she has been surprised just how disappointing each BFN has been. She expected to feel some sadness, but also believed that as the non-carrying partner, she would naturally be somewhat distanced. Instead she finds herself living vicariously through me and has not been spared the sense of lost possibility with the two BFNs we’ve had.

This post is part of the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival. Click here to read how others have faced and handled disappointment in ttc and parenting.

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Comments on: "On Disappointment" (4)

  1. […] Tangled in Disappointment password: lazydog The Brit Nanny and Me: Disappointment Opening the Door: On Disappointment Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]

  2. It was hard for me to give up the idea of ‘when I should be pregnant’. With most things, if you plan everything out this much, you usually do get a good idea of when things will happen (work projects, school semesters, etc). But with TTC there’s just so much up in the air even with the most meticulous planning. Just remember that all of that excitement and joy is still going to be there–just maybe not when you expect it.

  3. My partner and I have definitely struggled with this. We are planners, and not being able to plan all of the details of such a life-changing event was frustrating. We’ve tried to tell ourselves that it’s good practice for the rest of parenthood, which is also an exercise in letting go of control–we can create the perfect conditions for Tadpole to sleep, but sometimes he just won’t go to sleep. We can provide fabulous creative balanced meals for him, but we can’t make him eat anything that he doesn’t want to eat. You can create all of the perfect conditions for conception, but you kiddo will only show up when s/he is ready to, which is so hard.

  4. TTC is a bitch and it’s hard. I hope you find a way to get through the disappointments. I always liked to go have a beer :). And it took us eight tries, it worked, so it’s possible to keep hitting your head on a brick wall to have it actually work. xoxo.

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