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On Disappointment

I am fortunate in that I have not had too many real disappointments in my life. Those that I’ve had have generally been sharp and fleeting, leaving behind a shadow of what-could-have-been rather than something more enduring.

With TTC, most of my disappointments have been fairly unsurprising and garden variety. I was disappointed when I could not try right away. And again when the first try did not go as planned (that is, it did not result in a BFP). And again when the second try’s timing seemed off and it also resulted in a BFN. Each of these has a related silver lining. Waiting allowed us time to save and prepare. The donor we used for try #1 was medically restricted halfway through the try, leaving us ambivalent about the idea of success. The second BFN, while not having a silver lining in its own right, is allowing us to take a break and gave us a better idea of timing and the importance of self-advocacy.

Lately the biggest disappointment has been not being pregnant when I thought I would be. That is, if this had worked on try #1, I would be finishing my first trimester this week. We would be planning for holiday visits and announcements and looking forward to April. Having always been acutely aware of time and dates, I find the let down of lost anticipation especially disheartening. On an unrelated note, I have also recently been disappointed to learn that so many of the donors we liked are no longer available and that our already limited selection has become even more sparse.

For a different point of view, I asked C about her perspective on disappointment, and she shared that she has been surprised just how disappointing each BFN has been. She expected to feel some sadness, but also believed that as the non-carrying partner, she would naturally be somewhat distanced. Instead she finds herself living vicariously through me and has not been spared the sense of lost possibility with the two BFNs we’ve had.

This post is part of the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival. Click here to read how others have faced and handled disappointment in ttc and parenting.