… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘charting’

Work performance

I though working more hours would keep me busy and away from obsession. Which worked last week. But this week? With fewer symptoms and days away from AF or magic pee stick of wonder, ttc is a distraction from work. I am unmotivated, disinterested, and ready to go home about ten minutes after I get there. Being captain symptom obsessor, I see that as either hormones related to AF, depression related to the angst (yes, even on cycle one, I know how ridiculous I must sound to more weathered veterans), or maybe some pregnancy exhaustion ( ha, not really)

Anyway, my job is largely interpersonal both with other employees and with clients; I have tried to focus on more administrative tasks but can’t shy away forthe rest of this week. Poor other employees and clients.

In other news, after an emotional breakdown (hormones from AF or BFP? You decide!) last night, I am going to try to wait until Friday to test again.

Today my temperature rose over 98, which is high for me and another rise on my chart, and I woke with a sore throat. In the theme of this post: Pregnancy symptoms or cruel joke of nature? You guessed it, you decide!

(other than my incessant whining about all of this, life is pretty good. It is just surprising to me how much two weeks have slowed down and taken over my entire life)

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Send me a sign!

5 or 6 DPO (FF says 5, my intuition and what I know from my appointments tells me 6)

Today I feel like a foggy version of myself. Some nausea when I woke up, which isn’t normal for me, and heavy headed. In the past few days, I have had random bouts of nausea (at least one could have been related to a bad headache and lack of food). Last night, feeling particularly gross was helped by eating the most ridiculous food (spicy Chinese. Fortune cookie: “Don’t worry! You will have everything that you need.”) Occasional crampy feelings, which are unusual for me. I have a clear thermal shift, which, combined with + OPK, good CM, and a wide open cervix, tells me I pretty much definitely O’d and our timing was, in fact, “exquisite.” Which gives me, what, at 20% chance?

The TWW does get better, or at least it sort of has in the midst of working long days (10 or 11 hours today without stopping, hurrah!). Still swinging from certain something is going on to thinking about the next cycle (never thinking it’s an impossibility).

Today’s challenge is that, while I am usually fairly in touch with my body, I feel incredibly uncertain about whether my feelings / “symptoms” are real or psychosomatic because of ALLIKNOW about pregnancy symptoms. And I will never know, regardless of whether I have a second line, because you can be briefly pregnant before the second line. Talk about letting go of control.

Resolve is still to wait to test for 14 days (which is before CD 1 is due again but at a point when we should be able to know). C wants to count 14 from the second IUI (next Friday), I am on team next Thursday.

Ah, FF

“You are 4 days past ovulation (DPO). You just ovulated. You are entering the waiting phase of the cycle.” [emphasis mine]

These past four days don’t feel like, JUST to me, FF. Not at all.

😛

Sigh

Substitute thermometer fell on floor in middle of night. Substitute thermometer did Not beep when I pushed the button this am. Despite whacking it on a radiator (my father’s solution for all manner of broken electronic), which turned the temp to Celsius, substitute thermometer no longer functions.

It’s ok, I wasn’t looking forward to this morning just so I could temp or anything. And I love the idea of my first “real” chart having three thermometers represented.

Battle of the wills

I didn’t think I’d be writing about every “symptom” especially after two/ one day(s) but here we are.

First off, a real symptom is that my temp rose AS IT SHOULD today, which is a relief after yesterday’s low temp. C, in all her helpfulness ( 😉 ) noted that our room was warmer than it has been the past few nights, but that still should not have led to the big ol’ spike today. Of course it is a new and different thermometer so who knows?

Second, My abdomen still feels lots of weird pressure. Maybe IUI related, maybe constipation, but I kind of like feeling like something might be going on in there.

Third, and most ridiculous, is that I was quite nauseous when I woke up this morning. likely related to nasal drip and anxiety and a “symptom” that not only should not exist right now but is entirely unpleasant. So I’m talking myself out of being nauseous.

So there we have it. In one corner, my logical, rational mind who has done enough research to know that of the three items listed above, only temperature is likely a REAL sign and even then only a likely sign that I did actually ovulate. In the other corner stands Cautious Optimism, desperately wanting to know that my uterus has magic happening inside while constantly aware of all of Rational Mind’s common sense.

TWF

A post, but first thanks for all the well wishes and a toast:

To all of you fine women who are able to maintain some semblance of composure following your first (or any subsequent) IUI, cheers.

To everyone else, after weeks of “Questions of the Week” and cerebral ranting, I finally understand. This isn’t a two week wait. It’s a two week freakout!

“But wait!” you might be saying, didn’t you JUST do the IUI thing yesterday?!

The answer would be yes. And, by doctor’s recommendation and cervix position, we did the same today. But that is no match for the power of Dr. Google, who has been fed such phrases as “nothing on ultrasound after ovulation” and “LH surge no ovulation.” Or for my thermometer, which went LOWER today rather than higher.

Because either the timing was “exquisite” or something was wrong.

And my doctor was good today, though he did not come across as ridiculously optimistic (which is probably more about the fact that there are no guarantees than this being a bad situation). The sperm was good today (we were congratulated on picking such a great donor). And I was good today, except for this nagging feeling of needing some kind of control over a process which has, despite LOTS OF SCIENCE, NO control.

The doctor continues to think good timing or terrible timing. He mentioned that next cycle we might try some drugs “just to get everything more precise” and he shared that if I see fertile signs early, I should definitely call and come in (I wish he would have said that BEFORE this cycle, because I had have had fertile signs this whole week). The whole chatting about the next cycle makes sense (if I get my period, we have to get going ASAP) but is frustrating because I don’t want there to BE a next cycle. I asked the poor man so many questions he cannot answer or cannot answer with much certainty. Was it good timing? Who knows? Is my body broken? Who knows?

Today feels a lot like yesterday but a little less crampy since we didn’t ultrasound. The IUI itself was slightly more annoying (not painful) – I could actually feel that my cervix was not as open.

As of right now, I don’t plan to test for the full two weeks.  I am going to be continuing to temp, however, and also hoping for some other magical signs that mean something more than the dull tension in my uterus from two catheters and a lot of sperm. Oh and hope.

I apologize that this blog for the next two weeks might turn into one long rant. I am trying to have an outlet that I can turn to and then turn away from so I don’t dwell TOO much. 🙂

Temperature dropped like it should be right around now. Good signs all around, since this is theoretically the second-to-last cycle before all systems are go. Not a picture perfect chart, but lower to higher to lower temperatures make for a happy me! It’s nice to finally be a little less anxious about what the thermometer will read now that it’s not bouncing all over the place.

(Which is silly because I won’t be really using my temps all that much anyway except as a control-freak way to affirm to myself that I did indeed ovulate around the time I was supposed to on the cycle we actually try)

Ordered some nice OPKs online to go with the cheap ones. Will use this next cycle as a final practice before The Real Deal (TM).

In other news, the stress of all the part time work and full time work and life in between is getting to both of us. We definitely need a break and I’m glad to have some short and long trips planned this summer, especially because we usually work right on through June, July, and August.

Time, which was moving so quickly in April and May does seem to have slowed down a little. I’m okay with that except during my working hours… even though I usually love my job, I’d be fine with those speeding on by!