… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘consolation’

I admit it…

… I called the doctor yesterday to ask whether our timing was okay.

I thought it was fine – right after and thirty hours after positive OPK… but yesterday FF was insistent that I had in fact O’d the day before the positive OPK… solid line certainty, not even a dotted line to give me some comfort.

In the first two tries, I would have just scoured the Internet, reading both horror and helpful stories that would do nothing to ease my mind. This try, I did some of that and then realized that am working with an expert who knows me and my body, so why not just call.

So I did and he was helpful, reassuring me that there would be no way that I would have had the other physical factors present had I already ovulated, That our timing was good. And that we can always Monday morning quarterback tries but really we do the best we can every cycle.

I continue to search the Internet from time to time as though if I ask enough questions, a search engine will respond like a magic 8 ball with whether this try worked. I feel less anxious overall than during the first two tries but that does not mean I don’t want to know yesterday. I am spending more of my mental energy preparing myself for potential failure as I should know right around Thanksgiving and that’s the kind of news that could make or completely break a holiday regardless of preparation for the worst.

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You lose then you win

What a whirlwind past few days.

Wednesday I got a call telling me thyroid levels were high. The proposed solution is to cut down on meds and call when I get pregnant. I am concerned but hopeful that it means nothing.

Thursday I speak to the RE, who basically tells me that if the levels aren’t right, it’s not worth trying. That I need to wait at least 6 weeks (the half-life of thyroid meds means it takes a long time to see if they are working) and have blood work. Which essentially pushes trying back to at least January, because Thursday was also CD1 (which means the 6 week test would fall right in the middle of ovulation time in December). Although he hesitates a little when I became upset and probably would help us try anyway, I let him know that I would rather wait if it is indicated than try without confidence. Cue (major) panic. And sadness. And a really REALLY long day at work which included lots of pretending that I was not as upset as I was and LOTS of trying not to burst into tears. And calling the endocrinologist and leaving a message so that I can actually speak to HER and not just the person who calls with the results.

Friday, I speak to both of my doctors. First, the endocrinologist who reassures me that my actual hormone levels are totally fine and gives me her blessing to “go wild,” even after I emphasize how EXPENSIVE this process is and how no matter how much I want to try, I don’t want to waste my time or money. Second, the RE, who reassures me that we should listen to the endocrinologist, as this is her area of expertise. And within 24 hours and between CD1 and CD2, we are out and then in.

A neat little summary of something that was anything but neat. This week we place our order, next week we try again. Although I am eager to keep trying, in some ways I am already missing our “break” and I am shocked at how my anxiety increased once this cycle officially began. Something about knowing that we will be trying, trying to be confident, and feeling so uncertain, I guess.

I am still reading everyone’s blog but not commenting so much. Hope everyone has a good week!

QotW: How can we make the most of our time off?

The past few days have been a slow let down, an awkward transition from the movement of trying and the anxiety of waiting to the slower pace of pausing. The first day or so, I found myself symptom checking on a regular basis, for some reason not fully conscious of the confirmed end of the cycle. The past couple days have involved reorganizing my thinking and coming to terms with taking a break.

I am convinced that I want to use this break to relax, to breathe, but I am not certain I will really be able to quell the anxiety that has come with two BFNs. Before August, waiting to try came with the optimism that of-course-it-would-work-right-away. That felt a lot different than this new waiting to try with the dreadful uncertainty that it-might-not-work-after-all.

But enough worry! If I am being totally honest with myself (and not stuck in the fear-of-what-might-(not)-come, there are a lot of perks to not trying. And it’s time to take advantage. So here’s my list of the ways I plan to make this time the most useful, relaxing, fun time possible.

  • Finish learning to unicycle. I was almost there before our vacation in July and heat + trying + waiting took away a lot of my practice time.
  • Get back in shape. Again, I was there before vacation but lost the will / time when we got back. Along with this comes eating a little better and walking the dog more regularly.
  • Drink. Not a lot, I’m not a huge drinker anyway, but I’m going to exercise my option from time to time.
  • Celebrate. We have an anniversary coming up and will likely take a small trip somewhere. A well-deserved break from the busy-ness of life. And with no ovulation-based limits, we can go when we want to go!
  • Stay involved. We are both involved in community organizations and extra time can be put toward making a difference. Or at least hanging out with some amazing people.
  • Develop and utilize relaxation rituals. To include yoga, journaling, mindfulness, stretching, taking true “me” time. These have already started over the past couple of days and I hope to practice and get better so that they can be utilized during the next cycle.
  • Cook! This is really just a fall thing for me, but a little list padding never hurt anyone 🙂
  • Improve the value of our home. Also known as finishing the room that will be the baby’s room, which is currently a junk room with half-spackled walls. Spackling, priming, installing a new light fixture, building a closet, and building a radiator box are all in order.  Since I am the DIYer of our little family, better to start these projects before I am in a more delicate state.
  • Learn to sew. This has been on my bucket list for a long time and I imagine it will stay there with all the other things I am hoping to do, but it’s a nice idea, right?
You may be chuckling at the idea of a list for relaxation, especially if you’re the kind of person who finds lists inherently intimidating or stressful. But for me, plans are always superior to aimlessness and accomplishment is generally superior to lazing about. And while I am no longer as naive as I was in planning for the future, I am much more cautious with my body when we are trying so I want to make the most of not trying.  
And now a question for the group: what are some relaxation strategies that work for you? Because even with the best laid plans, right now I still feel like I am biding time and I need to just chill out a little. SO much easier said than done, am I right?

Hiatus

After some “what if but yeah right” spotting yesterday, CD 1 officially began today. Which meant a trip to the RE for an ultrasound and plan making.

We are going to do an HSG next week just to be sure everything is in working order and use this next month as a diagnostic month with a plan to try try again in November using different timing for the drugs. We looked at my charts for the past several months and discussed what happens if the next one fails.

I was in many ways super disappointed to hear the word “break” but C, who came from across town to be with me, was super relieved. We have largely pulled together through these first ups and downs but the hope and uncertainty of trying has occasionally taken its toll and the stress level has been high around our house, especially the past few days when negative tests but no period made waiting a living hell.

I plan on using the break to take care of myself, take care of my relationship and friendships, and take care of my home. I will continue to read all of your adventures, but I am still deciding if I want to refrain from a daily read (and write) in the name of actually making this a break from ttc and not just an exercise in biding time. In that vein, if you have any break suggestions, lay them on me!

In happier news, I continue to love my RE and I am so grateful. I occasionally wonder if going with a more aggressive fertility factory would have led to sooner success but then I visit my doctor and am impressed all over again. I called this morning and had an appointment by late morning. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in the office, only thirty minutes of which were probably actually necessary to get the job done and the rest of which was used to respond to fears, to talk about the future, and to chat about fertility treatments. As usual, I saw my doctor exclusively. It will be my doctor who will perform the HSG and he offered to do it only a fraction of the cost since my insurance will not cover it. I also feel like I have some say in my treatment; when I asked about NOT being out this month, he offered to try if that is what we wanted and when I asked about another drug, he shared that he does not usually use it but would be willing to if I felt strongly about it.

That being said, I’d be okay not needing to see him anymore!

 

Today

… I scheduled a dental xray / cavity filling that I didn’t do last week while I was at the dentist because I might have been pregnant (yes, they congratulated me despite me emphasizing I didn’t know, no I’m not looking forward to going back empty-wombed)

… I left work early and weeded my terribly neglected gardens to work out ttc frustration (what if it doesn’t work next time? what if we run out of money? what if our timing is off? what if I’m really not ovulating at all? and other what if spirals into negativity)

… We chose a new donor as the donor we used for try #1 was medically restricted halfway through our try (no, it was was NOT cool, yes, it did lead to some sad conversations, yes, shortly after finding out but before knowing what the specific issue was (which lasted a whole weekend), I did sometimes wish that it wouldn’t work and yes, my symptoms ebbed after that, and yes, I have thought about the power of the mind, although no, I don’t think abortion would exist if people could just wish away their (potential) pregnancies). New donor is at a new bank, since we didn’t find anything we liked at the first bank, which means a whole new set of paperwork after we tell the first bank to give us our money back. Why does this feel like a part time job?

… am going to eat a delicious brownie. Because the best self-care is through the stomach, am I right?!

Happier news…

… is that I did find out that my RE did bill my insurance separately for labwork unrelated specifically to fertility testing. At least that’s what it looks like on my insurance company’s website.

I am looking forward to my next blood work and doctor’s appointment. Hoping that my thyroid levels are down and that we are “in the zone” that the doctor would like to see.

I have multiple posts in my head about the medicalization of conception, particularly in our case in which we jumped right into working with an RE versus a regular GYN versus trying at home. And how I feel in some ways we are giving ourselves the best possible chance for pregnancy and how in other ways, we are putting ourselves in a more vulnerable, less confident position.  And how I wonder what the mind-body connection there might be, knowing that X or Y or Z is wrong and how they could potentially affect conception versus the more optimistic “we can do this” without knowing that anything might be wrong. We might be putting ourselves in the best possible physical state, but what about our mental / emotional state when we get there?

 

 

No baby…. new elliptical ?!?!

It’s KIND of like NBNP, but more health conscious?!

I’ve wanted an elliptical since leaving behind the gym we had at our apartment when we moved into our house a couple years ago. And there’s always been something preventing it: money, space, other things I wanted to buy more. The potential upcoming IUIs were an example of a cost that would normally prevent such a purchase.

But we won’t have that cost for at least six months.

So we got an elliptical. Not a super fancy expensive one (that’s not really our style) but fancy enough to have some interesting workout modes. And as soon as we put it together, we can exercise in our house instead of trying to walk in the freezing cold (or trying to run, since I have a messed up knee).

I am going to try to convince C to put it together with me tonight but I don’t know how successful I’ll be.

Here’s to exercise!