… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘disappointment’

You lose then you win

What a whirlwind past few days.

Wednesday I got a call telling me thyroid levels were high. The proposed solution is to cut down on meds and call when I get pregnant. I am concerned but hopeful that it means nothing.

Thursday I speak to the RE, who basically tells me that if the levels aren’t right, it’s not worth trying. That I need to wait at least 6 weeks (the half-life of thyroid meds means it takes a long time to see if they are working) and have blood work. Which essentially pushes trying back to at least January, because Thursday was also CD1 (which means the 6 week test would fall right in the middle of ovulation time in December). Although he hesitates a little when I became upset and probably would help us try anyway, I let him know that I would rather wait if it is indicated than try without confidence. Cue (major) panic. And sadness. And a really REALLY long day at work which included lots of pretending that I was not as upset as I was and LOTS of trying not to burst into tears. And calling the endocrinologist and leaving a message so that I can actually speak to HER and not just the person who calls with the results.

Friday, I speak to both of my doctors. First, the endocrinologist who reassures me that my actual hormone levels are totally fine and gives me her blessing to “go wild,” even after I emphasize how EXPENSIVE this process is and how no matter how much I want to try, I don’t want to waste my time or money. Second, the RE, who reassures me that we should listen to the endocrinologist, as this is her area of expertise. And within 24 hours and between CD1 and CD2, we are out and then in.

A neat little summary of something that was anything but neat. This week we place our order, next week we try again. Although I am eager to keep trying, in some ways I am already missing our “break” and I am shocked at how my anxiety increased once this cycle officially began. Something about knowing that we will be trying, trying to be confident, and feeling so uncertain, I guess.

I am still reading everyone’s blog but not commenting so much. Hope everyone has a good week!

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Hiatus

After some “what if but yeah right” spotting yesterday, CD 1 officially began today. Which meant a trip to the RE for an ultrasound and plan making.

We are going to do an HSG next week just to be sure everything is in working order and use this next month as a diagnostic month with a plan to try try again in November using different timing for the drugs. We looked at my charts for the past several months and discussed what happens if the next one fails.

I was in many ways super disappointed to hear the word “break” but C, who came from across town to be with me, was super relieved. We have largely pulled together through these first ups and downs but the hope and uncertainty of trying has occasionally taken its toll and the stress level has been high around our house, especially the past few days when negative tests but no period made waiting a living hell.

I plan on using the break to take care of myself, take care of my relationship and friendships, and take care of my home. I will continue to read all of your adventures, but I am still deciding if I want to refrain from a daily read (and write) in the name of actually making this a break from ttc and not just an exercise in biding time. In that vein, if you have any break suggestions, lay them on me!

In happier news, I continue to love my RE and I am so grateful. I occasionally wonder if going with a more aggressive fertility factory would have led to sooner success but then I visit my doctor and am impressed all over again. I called this morning and had an appointment by late morning. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in the office, only thirty minutes of which were probably actually necessary to get the job done and the rest of which was used to respond to fears, to talk about the future, and to chat about fertility treatments. As usual, I saw my doctor exclusively. It will be my doctor who will perform the HSG and he offered to do it only a fraction of the cost since my insurance will not cover it. I also feel like I have some say in my treatment; when I asked about NOT being out this month, he offered to try if that is what we wanted and when I asked about another drug, he shared that he does not usually use it but would be willing to if I felt strongly about it.

That being said, I’d be okay not needing to see him anymore!

 

Motherhood is not a race.

But it sure FEELS like it sometimes.

As friends consider ttc or begin to ttc or start families of their own because they don’t need to ttc, I find myself in this race that I did not realize I was going to run.

It was true before we decided to take the steps to try and it was true in the months we got physically ready to try but now more than ever, it is true: I want to beat you into pregnancy, into motherhood. And, if I am being honest, I have a real sense of entitlement about it, too, like because I have been thinking about it for a year, waiting for six months, trying for two cycles, like because I have been with my partner for almost a decade and because we have as many things going for us as we can at our age in terms of being prepared for parenthood, I should be “winning.”

I can’t put my finger on why I want to “win” except for this idea that if I have wanted it longer and have worked for it longer, why should you get to go first? And because once people become parents, they enter this super special club of knowledge that dates back to them becoming parents – a seniority of child-rearing, if you will. And there are some folks I am glad to follow behind and some that I can’t imagine following.

This is a part of the bitterness mentioned in yesterday’s post and, when taken with “what-if-this-never-works” really puts me in a funk. The rational part of me recognizes that many of these thoughts are neither accurate nor helpful but who said anything was rational about ttc?

Today is 17DPO but all signs say it will be CD1. I have this (likely coincidental) history of having bad news on cloudy / rainy days. After several days of sunshine, this morning’s weather? Rainy.

(hope)less

It’s 16 DPO and while my period was due today and hasn’t shown yet, I think it’s about time to call it.

I tested on Friday (13 DPO), Saturday (14 DPO), and this morning. And, honestly, tonight. And they were all stark white blank. Can’t a girl even get an evaporation line? My cervix, which has been incredibly high for days and days is starting to drop. My temperature is above coverline but has dropped some (and sometimes my temp doesn’t drop until the day after I get my period, so I can’t even trust it when it IS high(er)).

I don’t even want to write about how sad I am feeling right now. And bitter. And scared.

I don’t want to write about how I was CERTAIN the timing was off (and spoke with the doctor about it the day of the first insem). By a day, only, but what a difference a day could make. (And I don’t want to talk about how I feel that even THINKING the timing was off is going to bring some kind of crazy bad karma).

I don’t want to write about diminishing returns. And how we’re almost there. Or about diminishing funds. And how we’re getting there, too.

I don’t want to write about how annoying I am finding it that we will have to schedule another month around ttc, especially after skipping a fantastic opportunity to be with long-distance family earlier this month. (For what? Should’ve just gone!

And I don’t want to write about how little I want to do this again. I don’t want to take a month off but I don’t want to go through this again. The actual attempt and wait was far easier this go ’round so I didn’t expect the outcome to hurt so much.

There are really no words.

(And this is (only) try 2)

She’s here.

And thus begins a new cycle, even if part of me still wants to believe it’s some kind of fluke bleeding :-/

So the boobs, the nausea were nothing apparently and the cramps and spotting I never get were cruel precursors to today, which, despite being beautiful outside, has also included C needing to go to job #1 during the only 8 consecutive non-sleeping hours we have together in a week. Job #2 will follow. Oh, and outside my window, I can see the neighbor on the porch with his 10 month old. Want to go back to bed, much?

Temp was still above the coverline this morning (actually the same as yesterday; no drop). This is not out of the realm of normal for me – I’ve had 1 or 2 other cycles where it didn’t drop far before my period.

I don’t think there are many new thoughts or feelings. I’m very very disappointed. And a little bitter. And annoyed at the money that was spent and annoyed that I can already see which days this fun is going to screw up next month. Stupid things, maybe, but it feels better to be annoyed and frustrated than lonely and longing.

Have to call the doctor later today. He was talking drugs last time and we have to get right on that (as in TOMORROW) if we want that ship to sail. At the time the suggestion was made, I was glad that he was willing to move to the next step. In the name of avoiding bad karma, I haven’t done much research, though, so now I don’t know what I think.

In better news (I guess?), I have tons more questions of the week. For example, “How can I make the next TWW WAY better than this one now that I know what I’m getting into?” Also, you will stop getting daily “symptom” updates, so that might be a blessing!

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I will try to do the same!

Sigh

Substitute thermometer fell on floor in middle of night. Substitute thermometer did Not beep when I pushed the button this am. Despite whacking it on a radiator (my father’s solution for all manner of broken electronic), which turned the temp to Celsius, substitute thermometer no longer functions.

It’s ok, I wasn’t looking forward to this morning just so I could temp or anything. And I love the idea of my first “real” chart having three thermometers represented.

Question of the week: Really, thermometer, REALLY?

(Okay, so this not really a question of the week at all, more a statement of minor angst)

So the past few mornings, my temperature has been higher than I would have expected. Whatever, temperatures are weird like that.

This morning, at 6:45 am, I used my trusty thermometer and it read 97.45. For me, that is a fairly high morning temperature in the follicular phase. Cue a bit of panic as I think of all the bad things that could prevent us from going through with the big plan.

I go back to bed (after going up and down steps) and about half an hour later, just for fun, check my temperature again. 97.33. That doesn’t make sense. Check it again right after. 97.18. Check it again after that. 96.80. Really?

So I reach in my drawer and pull out a second thermometer (thanks to us thinking that C might temp simultaneously just to see what her charts looked like… not so much). 97.18. Temp again. 97.18.

So I’m thinking my trusty thermometer, after six months of daily use, may not be so trusty anymore. What was really interesting is that the temps it shows seem to be standard temps for me at different points in my cycle, leading me to wonder how long this thing has NOT been accurate.

I will pick up with thermometer number 2 starting today, the one downside being that that thermometer has always shown slightly higher readings (even when my thermometer WAS working) so it will shift the chart a bit. Oh well.

(I realize that was a LOT of ranting about a thermometer, but COME ON months of working and then the month we are to try, unclear data… great!)

 

ETA: It was sitting here, so I took my temp again at 9 am and it read 97.18. I swear, it’s a Magic 8 Ball Thermometer that spits out one of six temperatures depending on how it’s feeling.