Off to the midwife appointment in a little bit and I have to say, I’m quite nervous. Nervous to meet new practitioners, nervous that I might not like them, nervous because the world of prenatal care is so vast and even with recommendations it seems like it’s pretty much a crapshoot.
The practice we are going to today has at least three midwives. We will not work with any one midwife more than the others, ideally, as they rotate your appointment so that you see all of them over the course of your pregnancy because any one of them could be on call the day of your delivery.
Although I do not want a super medicalized birth, I am realizing that it might be hard for me to not have a medicalized pregnancy. I may be bizarre, but I have had many good experiences with doctors and I generally don’t mind medical intervention. That being said, I do not want to head down the surgery route at delivery and my chances are far less with a midwife than with an OB where I live (the midwife practice has a section rate of 13%). It is going to be hard for me to not have tons more ultrasounds and invasive investigation into what is going on because I so desperately want to know that everything is going well ALL. THE. TIME.
That being said, I really do want a more personalized experience and I think if there is anyone who is going to give it to me, it will be the midwives. I am, however, already missing having just my one RE who was present for everything (every meeting, every appointment, even my HSG) and I realize that I was incredibly spoiled in that regard.
Really, I’m just afraid of the unknown. I think that so much of giving birth (and pregnancy in general) is hindsight being 20/20 and there are so many things I won’t know until I’ve experienced them regardless of any other experience that others have had. I also have to remind myself that one visit to one provider does not mean that I have to stay with that provider out of some false sense of loyalty or oh-they-spent-time-with-me-I-feel-bad-for-leaving.
Outside of the nerves, I am excited and hopeful that we get confirmation that things are swimming along nicely. I took off today so that C and I can enjoy the day together and following the appointment we are going to go clothes shopping because my (super form fitting) clothes just aren’t cutting it anymore.
One of the thing that frustrates me the most about the medicalization of conception is that every doctor does it differently. That is, ask three doctors how they handle a problem or how long frozen sperm lives in the uterus or whether temping is useful and you will get three different answers. I’m all for individualized medical treatment but the answers would vary just as widely if asking in reference to the same exact woman.
I realize that ART is relatively new compared to the whole history of medicine and I realize that there is trial and error and learning to be done, but man oh man do I wish I could 100% firmly rely on things I hear or read. It just seems like so much guesswork and so much luck and I am always surprised when I ask Dr.Google a question only to get fifteen pages with fifteen different answers in response.
(in other news, I’m not asking too many questions these days, just trying to be patient. FF decided that I did in fact ovulate on the day of the insemination and all other signs lined up so I am feeling pessimistically hopeful… or full of low expectations and high hopes… or wondering if I will be looking at sunny days or silver linings)
… I called the doctor yesterday to ask whether our timing was okay.
I thought it was fine – right after and thirty hours after positive OPK… but yesterday FF was insistent that I had in fact O’d the day before the positive OPK… solid line certainty, not even a dotted line to give me some comfort.
In the first two tries, I would have just scoured the Internet, reading both horror and helpful stories that would do nothing to ease my mind. This try, I did some of that and then realized that am working with an expert who knows me and my body, so why not just call.
So I did and he was helpful, reassuring me that there would be no way that I would have had the other physical factors present had I already ovulated, That our timing was good. And that we can always Monday morning quarterback tries but really we do the best we can every cycle.
I continue to search the Internet from time to time as though if I ask enough questions, a search engine will respond like a magic 8 ball with whether this try worked. I feel less anxious overall than during the first two tries but that does not mean I don’t want to know yesterday. I am spending more of my mental energy preparing myself for potential failure as I should know right around Thanksgiving and that’s the kind of news that could make or completely break a holiday regardless of preparation for the worst.
… what is your IUI experience like?
Not so much the step by step, but as you / after you inseminate, what goes on in that room?
For us, outside of the actual IUI, we are basically hanging out with the doctor. In general he is in the room the whole time and I would say we spend half of that time laughing and talking about all kinds of topics from medical research to old school reproductive medicine to the impact of having children on one’s life. Yesterday, the doctor brought out a plastic-wrapped sponge that was used in the days before IUI to keep the semen as close to the cervix as possible. Fascinating.
I think I am asking because in some ways, our time together seems almost irreverent. Yes, I am thinking fertile thoughts in between laughing at ridiculous conversation and yes, C and I spend a few seconds gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes, but overall we are, like I said, hanging out. I wonder if other folks are equally talkative / silly / “irreverent” or if it is just us being strange.
So what are / have been your experiences, if you care to share?
IUI yesterday and today. Timing seems just about perfect but then again, I never ever seem to be able to trust the timing and my temperature charts look pretty ridiculous.
I was pretty annoyed at the doctor yesterday, who first asked if we had tried last month ( uh, no, you put us on a break) and then sighed when he saw my (perfect! Fabulous! Damn near textbook!) chart from the skipped cycle. I am still glad we took the break – it was needed and healthy- but COME ON.
I wish I felt confident… it’s not that I’m not, entirely, it’s just that I won’t know how to feel until I see my chart in the coming days… and even then, I won’t know what to think. I am irritated that this is all so expensive and yet there is no sure fire way to know much of anything outside of an approximation.
I am really not quite as melancholy as this post sounds, at least not all of the time.
Anyway, time for work!
CD 15, no +OPK, starting to go a little stir crazy.
To be fair, over my nine month charting history (seven of which have included OPKs), it has only recently been the case that my OPKs turned on or before day 15. Over last spring and into the summer, they sometimes did not turn until day 17 or, at the latest, day 19. And I do have a fairly strong history of cycle changes depending on the season.
I have had some color on a couple of them, but that seems to have faded in more recent tests (a byproduct of meds, perhaps?).
I think I will call the doctor today, see what he wants to do, get him prepped for a potential weekend of fun (which is okay with me – more time off to lay around!). Part of me wants to run right in and see him, but the one thing I do NOT want to do is jump the gun because we’re anxious. I think were early during our last try and that made the TWW much more blah than in had to be.
All I’m saying is last month, I got my positive OPK on day 13, a clear ovulation on day 14 and why-were-we-taking-a-break-again?!!?
🙂 Hope you all have a great Thursday!
After some “what if but yeah right” spotting yesterday, CD 1 officially began today. Which meant a trip to the RE for an ultrasound and plan making.
We are going to do an HSG next week just to be sure everything is in working order and use this next month as a diagnostic month with a plan to try try again in November using different timing for the drugs. We looked at my charts for the past several months and discussed what happens if the next one fails.
I was in many ways super disappointed to hear the word “break” but C, who came from across town to be with me, was super relieved. We have largely pulled together through these first ups and downs but the hope and uncertainty of trying has occasionally taken its toll and the stress level has been high around our house, especially the past few days when negative tests but no period made waiting a living hell.
I plan on using the break to take care of myself, take care of my relationship and friendships, and take care of my home. I will continue to read all of your adventures, but I am still deciding if I want to refrain from a daily read (and write) in the name of actually making this a break from ttc and not just an exercise in biding time. In that vein, if you have any break suggestions, lay them on me!
In happier news, I continue to love my RE and I am so grateful. I occasionally wonder if going with a more aggressive fertility factory would have led to sooner success but then I visit my doctor and am impressed all over again. I called this morning and had an appointment by late morning. I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in the office, only thirty minutes of which were probably actually necessary to get the job done and the rest of which was used to respond to fears, to talk about the future, and to chat about fertility treatments. As usual, I saw my doctor exclusively. It will be my doctor who will perform the HSG and he offered to do it only a fraction of the cost since my insurance will not cover it. I also feel like I have some say in my treatment; when I asked about NOT being out this month, he offered to try if that is what we wanted and when I asked about another drug, he shared that he does not usually use it but would be willing to if I felt strongly about it.
That being said, I’d be okay not needing to see him anymore!