… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘(minor) panic’

There she goes…

Today K is at daycare while I spend my last day of maternity leave being available and getting things done that are more challenging with an 11 week old hanging around.

I was hoping that yesterday (our last day off together) would be beautiful and relaxing.  It started out that way as we went on a walk with my mother around a nearby lake.  But before I knew it, my car was making funny noises.  Then it sounded like the muffler was going to fall off.  It was an easy fix (that took a chunk of time) and we were off to the store to buy enough bottles for daycare.  At the store, I managed to bang my head – HARD – into the roof of the car.  We had lunch and came home and within a few hours I was feeling really sick.  So I ended up doing what I could to keep K calm and entertained until C came home and then spent the rest of the night feeling pretty bad.  C and I ended up staying up until the early morning, preparing for today, relaxing, and talking, so that didn’t help.

This morning, K woke up around 5 and then again around 7:30.  I nursed her (and didn’t want to let her go), cuddled her (and didn’t want to let her go), and finally put her smiling self into the carseat.  We took two cars, since C had to go to work today, and we were off.

At daycare, which is in the home of our friend’s mother and a place we have spent significant time in the past, our friend’s three year old daughter was SUPER excited to see us.  She screamed our names and shared that she knew that K was coming to daycare today.  I was super nervous and emotional and allowed C to do much of the talking while I nursed the baby one last time before handing her off.  (Did I mention I seriously considered driving past daycare and into the sunset?  And that I considered running out of the house with my baby?)  Our niece made it easier – I tried to stay extra calm not only for the baby but also for her (and laughed when she thought she was going to come with us!).  When it was time to leave, we said goodbye and I walked as quickly as I could out of that house and to my car, where I started bawling.  C was there, suggested that we maybe get away from the house and continue the conversation, and mentioned she had a present for me.

So we drove a couple blocks away and she got into my car, bringing with her a beautiful charm bracelet.  It was a wonderful surprise, full of symbolism and meaning, and I felt again so lucky and grateful to have her in my life.  She also gave me money from her father, who had given it to her so that I might get my nails done today before returning to work.  I am hoping to do that this afternoon.

It feels like 11 weeks has passed and it doesn’t, all at the same time.  I was surprised this morning how normal it felt to get out of bed with an alarm, encourage the dog to go outside, and get myself ready for the day.  Obviously, today is a little different than any other day I will be having in the near future (it will be rare that I have a day off that doesn’t involve C or K), but we still went through the routine.  Regardless, it is hard for me to transition from such a special time to such a normal time.  My life is dramatically different in so many important ways and yet I will be fully reentering a world where things have likely been fairly status quo for the majority of people around me.  A piece of my heart will be miles away, smiling, interacting, and learning about the world, and I will be busy at work, fortunately at a job I care about, but still work nonetheless.

Overall, it is okay being at home, mostly because I have so much to do and it is a good break to get it done (I’ve already been grocery shopping, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and cooking dinner for tonight, not to mention pumping).  I do think I will be able to manage it tomorrow if I can stay busy and focused.  But if anyone asks me about my baby – which most people are bound to do – I think I might fall apart.

It feels like the end of vacation and the end of such a singularly focused time.  K has taught me so much about being in the moment and loving the moment you are in and I hope I can take that with me into the next several weeks and beyond.

I admit it…

… I called the doctor yesterday to ask whether our timing was okay.

I thought it was fine – right after and thirty hours after positive OPK… but yesterday FF was insistent that I had in fact O’d the day before the positive OPK… solid line certainty, not even a dotted line to give me some comfort.

In the first two tries, I would have just scoured the Internet, reading both horror and helpful stories that would do nothing to ease my mind. This try, I did some of that and then realized that am working with an expert who knows me and my body, so why not just call.

So I did and he was helpful, reassuring me that there would be no way that I would have had the other physical factors present had I already ovulated, That our timing was good. And that we can always Monday morning quarterback tries but really we do the best we can every cycle.

I continue to search the Internet from time to time as though if I ask enough questions, a search engine will respond like a magic 8 ball with whether this try worked. I feel less anxious overall than during the first two tries but that does not mean I don’t want to know yesterday. I am spending more of my mental energy preparing myself for potential failure as I should know right around Thanksgiving and that’s the kind of news that could make or completely break a holiday regardless of preparation for the worst.

Still

Waiting. CD 17. Annoyed about the best laid plans… Likely going in on (stressful) work days even though I had a three day weekend based on timing of previous cycles. RE seems unperturbed by phone, so we have not gone in, though he made it clear he is around all weekend.

This is one time when I, more than ever, would recommend charting. While I am anxious that I will miss the surge (as evidenced by my trashcan full of discarded OPKS), there has been no thermal shift and I am certain that I have not missed it yet. I also have ten months of charts that remind me just how weird my ovulation on CD 14 or 15 during the past few months actually was and that show me that I often have a temperature dip a couple days before ovulation.

Please remind me that it possible to get pregnant even when you have to go back to stressful work situations. My boss is out all this week, I will be doing her job and mine, making some really tough decisions, and hoping for the best. Over and over. I am stressed thinking about the stress and its impact on my body and a bit angry and annoyed that I can’t have better timing.

You lose then you win

What a whirlwind past few days.

Wednesday I got a call telling me thyroid levels were high. The proposed solution is to cut down on meds and call when I get pregnant. I am concerned but hopeful that it means nothing.

Thursday I speak to the RE, who basically tells me that if the levels aren’t right, it’s not worth trying. That I need to wait at least 6 weeks (the half-life of thyroid meds means it takes a long time to see if they are working) and have blood work. Which essentially pushes trying back to at least January, because Thursday was also CD1 (which means the 6 week test would fall right in the middle of ovulation time in December). Although he hesitates a little when I became upset and probably would help us try anyway, I let him know that I would rather wait if it is indicated than try without confidence. Cue (major) panic. And sadness. And a really REALLY long day at work which included lots of pretending that I was not as upset as I was and LOTS of trying not to burst into tears. And calling the endocrinologist and leaving a message so that I can actually speak to HER and not just the person who calls with the results.

Friday, I speak to both of my doctors. First, the endocrinologist who reassures me that my actual hormone levels are totally fine and gives me her blessing to “go wild,” even after I emphasize how EXPENSIVE this process is and how no matter how much I want to try, I don’t want to waste my time or money. Second, the RE, who reassures me that we should listen to the endocrinologist, as this is her area of expertise. And within 24 hours and between CD1 and CD2, we are out and then in.

A neat little summary of something that was anything but neat. This week we place our order, next week we try again. Although I am eager to keep trying, in some ways I am already missing our “break” and I am shocked at how my anxiety increased once this cycle officially began. Something about knowing that we will be trying, trying to be confident, and feeling so uncertain, I guess.

I am still reading everyone’s blog but not commenting so much. Hope everyone has a good week!

Stress

… bullet point edition

  • Weekend was shot by a LONG LONG DRIVE to a festival only to turn around after waiting forty minutes to go one mile on a two lane road (we had five miles left to go). It was one of the first beautiful Saturdays in a long time and it felt totally wasted.
  • We had to pick a new donor because our other donor was fresh out. This was harder than usual because – WHO KNEW – there was a reason that banks have specials all summer and then not so much in the fall. Everyone wants a baby! RUSH ON SPERM.
  • The fact that I wrote “harder than usual” is a little bit stressful in itself. It shouldn’t be harder than usual. 
  • C is going away for a few days starting tomorrow. I’m working late two of those days, so it’s mostly bedtime and half of Saturday I won’t see her.
  • Working collaboratively anywhere (but especially at work) is challenging when some folks do not know how to collaborate.
  • I’m getting sick, have had numerous small injuries, and have not been able to exercise nearly as much as I would like.
Theme of this week: exhaustion and stress. Hoping it gets better. Not holding my breath. 

Stress

I had a mini-breakdown this evening. My job has become increasingly stressful over the past month (full of confrontation and frustration) and today it came to a head that I believe will continue through the rest of the week.

I am trying to keep myself calm and focused and relaxed. I am anxious that my anxiety will mess everything up in a week or so.  And at the same time, I am super ready to be in the middle of another TWW (perhaps I need to go back and read my posts from that time). It’s weird to feel some twinge or “symptom” and know that it’s not a symptom of anything.

Meanwhile, C continues to be amazing and I am working hard to be amazing back. We always bring two different perspectives to any situation, but it’s weird to have the perspectives be coming from such vastly different and yet such very interconnected places. I am amazed so far that these ups and downs seem to have knitted us closer together rather than driving us apart. And grateful.

Sigh

Substitute thermometer fell on floor in middle of night. Substitute thermometer did Not beep when I pushed the button this am. Despite whacking it on a radiator (my father’s solution for all manner of broken electronic), which turned the temp to Celsius, substitute thermometer no longer functions.

It’s ok, I wasn’t looking forward to this morning just so I could temp or anything. And I love the idea of my first “real” chart having three thermometers represented.