That’s pretty much EXACTLY how I have felt today.
Earlier this weekend, my boobs grew (like the first try). I was exhausted all day yesterday (but there was some emotional stress going on, too, so I chalked it up to that) and I took a nap (I NEVER EVER NAP unless I am ridiculously sick or sleep-deprived). Some minor breast tenderness last night which is different than AF tenderness but not so “real” that it might not be psychosomatic. Mild nausea while cooking but again, nothing that I couldn’t chalk up to desperation. Our friend, August, was over and she begged me to test but I decided to wait until today.
Today, 13 DPO. Woke up at 6 this morning and my temperature, which has hovered around 97.45 for the past couple days, shot up to 98.38. That’s a HUGE jump and by far the highest temperature I’ve had all cycle. I decide to test.
[Now if you’ve ever tested first thing in the morning and you’ve had some negatives and you’re anything like me, you keep the lights dim, your eyes half closed, and generally try to keep yourself in a sedated space so that if you test negative, you can get back to sleep quickly. You may also glance over repeatedly while still on toilet and you may have tricked yourself into seeing things in the past (it IS dark and you ARE hopeful).]
Well, this morning, I start to see something within a minute or two. And I say to C, who has woken up and I can hear outside the door waiting her turn, “I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING THERE!” And the lights go up and there are TWO PINK LINES.
I would like to say I was ecstatic, over-the-moon, so thrilled. And I was, in small amounts. But more than anything, I was excitedly shocked. In just two previous tries, I have looked at BLANK after BLANK pregnancy test and have publicly lamented never even getting an evaporation line. For something to BE there and for it to be getting DARKER… why, that was just unbelievable. Seriously, I felt total disbelief. C and I hugged, I was teary, and she, ever practical, expressed enthusiasm before suggesting that we return to bed. I took pictures for August and for the internet before going.
… where I laid awake for another two hours, wiggling and making shocked statements about how we are pregnant and watching a movie to keep my anxiety down…
… because let’s face it, if you TTC, you know the risks. And a positive test is step one of about a million. And it’s a HUGE step and I am GRATEFUL but I am not unrealistic about the (negative) possibilities…
I called the doctor before his office opened and got the answering service. I refused to tell them why I was calling since this was MY news. When I did speak to him later in the day, he made gasping sounds, said I made his day, and said “oh I’m going to cry!” (have I mentioned that I LOVE him?!). Went for bloodwork in the afternoon and while the visit was fairly short, he was super excited with me.
I called my endocrinologist and her secretary called me back and gave congratulations from both herself and the doctor. We scheduled an appointment and before she got off the phone, she said “Congrats again, mom!” … SO WEIRD.
I (of course) took another test this evening and it was a different brand (internet cheapie instead of FRER) and it was also unmistakably positive.
I am excited now and want to tell everyone and no one. I want to share the good news and hide it until I have more proof. I am STILL in disbelief but it is sinking in. I will say that two lines, while cognitively reassuring and a sign that something is happening, do not make you FEEL IN YOUR BODY pregnant. It’s strange to know a fact that you have so much emotional connection with but not to feel it.
I am hyper aware that this might not work out the way we hope but I am making the conscious choice to enjoy it as if it will because I don’t want to regret missing out on some of the excitement of these next few weeks (or months).
I should probably stop here and apologize in advance for what I’m sure will be endless musings on all of this strangeness. I find that this is just like my first try… no matter how much mental planning I did, it was not like I expected. Life seems like, that doesn’t it?
Also, time for some new tags!
Edited to add: bonus cheapie pee stick picture: