… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘pregnant!’

Another milestone

Midwife appointment yesterday went well. We are working with a midwife practice, which means we have to meet with all the midwives over the course of the pregnancy because any of them could be the one in the delivery room. Our midwife yesterday was okay but seemed a bit abrupt. Between her attitude and my anxiety to hear the heartbeat, I did not ask as many questions as I wish I would have, but then again, I’m still getting used to once-in-a-while appointments instead of multiple-appointments-in-one-week.

The appointment itself was fine. Everything is going well, fundus is just below my belly button (and she helped me find it when I asked), and we finally got to hear (and record) the heartbeat 🙂  The midwife had a hard time finding it since the fetus (I still have to come up with a blog name) was moving around so much (“I haven’t had one this active in a while” she said) but when she did, it was wonderful. And reassuring. I have been feeling like all is well deep inside but that outside reassurance is always lovely.

We have a prescription for an ultrasound and will try to schedule for next Friday. I didn’t want to do it too quickly partly because I want some space to get nervous again (and then be reassured) and partly because in many ways, the ultrasound is the last huge milestone before the birth, probably the last one we will have altogether… and I don’t want that moment to be rushed.

I’m finally feeling significantly more excited and hopeful and not a moment too soon as my jeans no longer button, I’ve had multiple folks comment on me showing, and it looks more and more like a pregnancy every day. I’m thinking about baby’s rooms and things to get done and what we might need or want in the very near future. I’m also thinking about the big changes that will happen in six or so months.

Have a good weekend!

!!!

So back in the beginning of December, my dcotor wrote me a note for work, indicating that I needed to limit physical activity. Fast forward twenty days, and HR tells me it’s “too broad” and that they won’t be able to accommodate that sort of letter. After a bit of phone tag, the doctor invites me to come in today so we can write a letter. He was very gracious (probably because he’ll bill my insurance for the visit) and noted that we can keep writing letters until they are happy and I can be accommodated.

Anyway, I guess he was done for the afternoon because he was very relaxed and chatty with C and I. After the letter was written, I asked him a question about ebbing and flowing symptoms (my breasts felt just a bit less full this morning) since I won’t see my midwife for another two weeks. And voiced some of my anxiety about anything going wrong. And then the following conversation occurs:

Doctor: Do you want to go take a look?

Me: Are you serious?!

Doctor: Sure! Let’s do it.

Me: Don’t toy with me.

And just like that, I’m back on the table, seeing the baby again! And it GREW! A lot! And is measuring right on target. And because time was not of the essence, he spent quite a bit more time with us than during the first ultrasound, pointing out the head, arms (elbow!), legs, heartbeat. And we saw the whole embryo ( / fetus… we’re in that gray zone right now) MOVE! He gave us five more pictures to take home with us and chatted about how much he loves this part of his job and how he could look at the ultrasounds all day. So. Fun. And a happy start to several days off.

I haven’t scanned the picture yet, but will add a quick picture of the picture for fun. Pardon the quality.

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The Medicalization of Conception: Unforeseen Consequences

I first started posting about the medicalization of conception shortly after meeting with our RE. In that initial post, I focused on the questions one begins to ask when starting down any kind of medical ttc path. Other posts followed, focusing on the control (or lack thereof) that welcoming the medical profession into your home (or body) offers.

What I did not realize at the time, and what I failed to realize until our BFP, is that for me, the medicalization of conception had another surprising dark side.

You see, a long long time ago, back when we first started thinking about babies, I had a lot of concerns, worries, and, at times, reservations about becoming a parent. None were overwhelming or deal-breaking – they were just the product of a normally anxious personality with a little too much directed thinking on a process that could not be left up to the whim of unprotected love.

These concerns and fears, while totally appropriate to the life-changing nature of bringing a life into the world, were also totally incompatible with trying to conceive. Because as we quickly discovered, trying requires an unceasing drive in which normal worries have no place. Taking daily temperatures and prenatals, monitoring fluids and OPKs, trying fertility treatments, the actual insem all require setting aside normal fears and concerns and focusing intently and whole-heartedly on the goal: pregnancy. And when each pregnancy announced by a friend and each stark white test feels like a  tremendous setback to that goal, you push harder and more relentlessly than ever, so much so that even the idea of taking a much-needed break becomes ludicrous. With so many concerns about how to get pregnant, there is simply no space for any other worries about the impact of that pregnancy.

And then, suddenly (and even almost unexpectedly), there are two lines on that stick, the start of a second life inside your singular self, and the race is over (but not yet over) and the race is won (but not quite won) and you can relax.

For about ten seconds.

Or at least that was what happened to me. Excitement, joy, happiness, hope, all that is good rolled into a few moments. I faced you, medicalization, and with your help (and heartache), I won. I. Won. KING (Queen!) OF THE WORLD!

And then, as if on cue, all the normal concerns and worries of pregnancy and childbirth and changing my whole life and family began to resurface like a high school acquaintance you haven’t seen in a decade – recognizable, but confusing and awkward. And that awesome feeling of winning was challenged a bit with fears that I had suppressed months ago.

In a nutshell, medicalization and relentless focus on trying prevented me from coming to terms with any other concern and success brought those concerns to the forefront alarmingly quickly. Add that to the fact that medicalization (and participation in a community of women who have faced all kinds of challenges) makes one all too aware that two lines does not mean that you pass go and collect a baby and you have a recipe for some confusing sadness and uncertainty.

It was also briefly a recipe for a bit of guilt and resentment. Guilt because I felt like I should be feeling happier with all the good news and resentment that I was not having the elated, walking-on-air kind of experience that some women seem to have.

Since I started writing this post days ago (and half of it disappeared at one point), I am happy to say that a lot of the negative flood has receded and that I am in a much calmer place. I strongly believe that I was unable to properly prepare for the impact of a positive because I was so focused on getting the positive, period. I am grateful that I have a wife and friends who have listened and reminded me to be gentle with and accepting of myself and I am feeling much less overwhelmed, though I am still surprised just how many worries about the future hit me all at once as if I had never considered them at all.

Numbers game

Finally got a call from the doctor today at 1 pm. Less than twenty four hours after the draw? Yes. An eternity to C and I? Absolutely.

My original level was 106. Today, seven days later, I was expecting to hear numbers between 800 and 1200.

My number? 3562.

Quick (online) calculations tell me that’s a doubling rate of about 33.53 hours. Solidly solid. I said something like “wow” and the doctor agreed, noting that he would have been happy with 800.

So all is (very) well for now. We go for our u/s on the 16th at 7 1/2 weeks. While it is almost definitely possible that we could see something sooner, especially with those numbers, I have off on the 16th and I will feel more certain of whatever we see at that point just by virtue of being further along.

So we wait and hope for our appleseed to grow to pea status and then blueberry!

Confirmed

Doctor called today to confirm that the (three) pee sticks did not lie – I am, in fact, pregnant and I have a solid hcg of 106 as of 13 dpo.

We are going to draw blood again in a week and he offered a week seven appointment to do a first ultrasound… which is only three weeks away! (time flies when you get two weeks for free! )

I got a run down of all the pregnant lady dos and dont’s (as I told my doctor, I had never really let myself think past one or two lines) and more congratulations. So exciting!

Still scared it could all go wrong, still allowing myself the opportunity to enjoy it going right so far 🙂

See the title of that last post…?

That’s pretty much EXACTLY how I have felt today.

Earlier this weekend, my boobs grew (like the first try). I was exhausted all day yesterday (but there was some emotional stress going on, too, so I chalked it up to that) and I took a nap (I NEVER EVER NAP unless I am ridiculously sick or sleep-deprived). Some minor breast tenderness last night which is different than AF tenderness but not so “real” that it might not be psychosomatic. Mild nausea while cooking but again, nothing that I couldn’t chalk up to desperation. Our friend, August, was over and she begged me to test but I decided to wait until today.

Today, 13 DPO. Woke up at 6 this morning and my temperature, which has hovered around 97.45 for the past couple days, shot up to 98.38. That’s a HUGE jump and by far the highest temperature I’ve had all cycle. I decide to test.

[Now if you’ve ever tested first thing in the morning and you’ve had some negatives and you’re anything like me, you keep the lights dim, your eyes half closed, and generally try to keep yourself in a sedated space so that if you test negative, you can get back to sleep quickly. You may also glance over repeatedly while still on toilet and you may have tricked yourself into seeing things in the past (it IS dark and you ARE hopeful).]

Well, this morning, I start to see something within a minute or two. And I say to C, who has woken up and I can hear outside the door waiting her turn, “I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING THERE!” And the lights go up and there are TWO PINK LINES.

I would like to say I was ecstatic, over-the-moon, so thrilled. And I was, in small amounts. But more than anything, I was excitedly shocked. In just two previous tries, I have looked at BLANK after BLANK pregnancy test and have publicly lamented never even getting an evaporation line. For something to BE there and for it to be getting DARKER… why, that was just unbelievable. Seriously, I felt total disbelief. C and I hugged, I was teary, and she, ever practical, expressed enthusiasm before suggesting that we return to bed. I took pictures for August and for the internet before going.

… where I laid awake for another two hours, wiggling and making shocked statements about how we are pregnant and watching a movie to keep my anxiety down…

… because let’s face it, if you TTC, you know the risks. And a positive test is step one of about a million. And it’s a HUGE step and I am GRATEFUL but I am not unrealistic about the (negative) possibilities…

I called the doctor before his office opened and got the answering service. I refused to tell them why I was calling since this was MY news. When I did speak to him later in the day, he made gasping sounds, said I made his day, and said “oh I’m going to cry!” (have I mentioned that I LOVE him?!). Went for bloodwork in the afternoon and while the visit was fairly short, he was super excited with me.

I called my endocrinologist and her secretary called me back and gave congratulations from both herself and the doctor. We scheduled an appointment and before she got off the phone, she said “Congrats again, mom!” … SO WEIRD.

I (of course) took another test this evening and it was a different brand (internet cheapie instead of FRER) and it was also unmistakably positive.

I am excited now and want to tell everyone and no one. I want to share the good news and hide it until I have more proof. I am STILL in disbelief but it is sinking in. I will say that two lines, while cognitively reassuring and a sign that something is happening, do not make you FEEL IN YOUR BODY pregnant. It’s strange to know a fact that you have so much emotional connection with but not to feel it.

I am hyper aware that this might not work out the way we hope but I am making the conscious choice to enjoy it as if it will because I don’t want to regret missing out on some of the excitement of these next few weeks (or months).

I should probably stop here and apologize in advance for what I’m sure will be endless musings on all of this strangeness. I find that this is just like my first try… no matter how much mental planning I did, it was not like I expected. Life seems like, that doesn’t it?

Also, time for some new tags!

Edited to add: bonus cheapie pee stick picture:

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Wait, what?!?!!!!

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I think we have the start of something wonderful.

I am physically shaking…. I apparently did not believe this was goi g to happen. Please pray, hope, cross fingers for a sticky pregnancy!!

More later. My wife values sleep more than telling the Internet about out TWO lines.