… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘swimmers’

Ordered (again)

… and sheesh it was pricey.

A couple more days of pills, a couple more days of waiting, and then we get back to OPKs and more waiting. I’m not looking forward to another TWW but fortunately this time of year is super busy.

Speaking of super busy, it looks like I will probably be doing IUIs right in the middle of a busy week. Which makes me nervous because no matter what the doctor says, I feel like I should lay around and do gentle things the whole day of each IUI for optimal results. Feel free to share positive stories of positive tests after busy weeks.

We feel good about November. But we felt good about the other months, too. It’s funny how the sense of “what should be” gets more and more strained.

Ordered

Found another donor. We’re getting so good at this it’s not even funny. I don’t feel particularly “close” to this donor (I’ve liked previous donors better) but he matches the necessary and the optional recessives that we want.

The strange part for me is that the donor kind of resembles me (or my brother). I don’t know what to say about that except it feels weird. Which then feels like bad karma, which just goes to show you how deep superstitions can run when you are trying to make everything line up perfectly.

This continues to be a break, but I’m looking forward three weeks to our next try, not so much the two weeks after that, but possibly to the end of those two weeks. I’m still reading daily and commenting when I can.

Have a good weekend!

Stress

… bullet point edition

  • Weekend was shot by a LONG LONG DRIVE to a festival only to turn around after waiting forty minutes to go one mile on a two lane road (we had five miles left to go). It was one of the first beautiful Saturdays in a long time and it felt totally wasted.
  • We had to pick a new donor because our other donor was fresh out. This was harder than usual because – WHO KNEW – there was a reason that banks have specials all summer and then not so much in the fall. Everyone wants a baby! RUSH ON SPERM.
  • The fact that I wrote “harder than usual” is a little bit stressful in itself. It shouldn’t be harder than usual. 
  • C is going away for a few days starting tomorrow. I’m working late two of those days, so it’s mostly bedtime and half of Saturday I won’t see her.
  • Working collaboratively anywhere (but especially at work) is challenging when some folks do not know how to collaborate.
  • I’m getting sick, have had numerous small injuries, and have not been able to exercise nearly as much as I would like.
Theme of this week: exhaustion and stress. Hoping it gets better. Not holding my breath. 

Sperm!

I think I missed the carnival (which is AMAZING, BTW), but I did want to ramble on about sperm anyway.

We knew early on that we wanted to use donor sperm. We don’t really have (m)any men in our lives who we would find suitable and even if we did, neither of us were comfortable with the risks related to the best laid plans and changes of heart. We also quickly came to the agreement that we wanted to use an open donor; maybe our kids will never want to know him, but maybe they will and we want them to have as much opportunity as possible even though we are not naive enough to believe that open donation always works as advertised.

Which left us choosing banks and choosing actual donors. Banks made the cut if they offered open donors and then if they allowed us access to information at a somewhat affordable cost. Although it was tempting to think that more money equals better quality, we quickly came to the conclusion that (most) half cc vials are created equal and we did lean toward more inexpensive options when all else was equal.

We didn’t have much trouble choosing either donor that we have used thus far. It’s pretty easy when you have a bunch of recessive traits that you would like to match and the banks are fairly small, not to mention when you are less than committed to spending bags of money on pictures and profiles.  I was less concerned about the process than C, perhaps because my genetic material is part of the equation, perhaps because I made myself numb to the process; I would be interested to know if others had a similar experience.

It is easy to get so focused on trying that you forget about the ramifications of the attempt (outside of full arms and the proverbial happy home). I am concerned about the impact of our baby-making decisions on our future child. I am hopeful that we will be able to normalize the choices we are making and provide the support our child needs to cope with the way her conception story and family is different from the stories and families of her peers, but I am aware that we may not be as successful as we want to be. If I think (not) too long about it, I feel incredibly selfish, but then I think that most planned pregnancies are somewhat selfish endeavors. And I believe that when our child is born, s/he will be the right child at the right time and neither we nor our families will be able to conceive of a world without our child in it. Which is a calming belief to have, even if it’s right up there with other “reassuring beliefs that people have.”

In terms of the donor sibling issue, I am not thrilled about the possibility of dozens of half siblings or the possible impact on our child(ren). I’m less worried about incest than I am psychological effects. It’s nice in theory to think “the only way THIS child will exist is through this mechanism and existence trumps concerns about siblings” but living the reality is probably very different (who am I, the product of a heterosexual couple, to say?). It’s also very nice to think “my child will know who his/her family is and that’s what matters” but that is very much the perspective of an adult who has chosen family, not a child who invariably will be taught that family is both the nurture and the nature/biology. I push these thoughts away the way many do, I believe: by recognizing that most kids have something that sets them apart and that our kids will have a BIG thing, but that it is not insurmountable. I believe that C and I are prepared to have elementary conversations with our child starting as soon as 3 or so years from now and that we will keep talking after that. I don’t think we’re prepared for the teenager who tells one of  us “you’re not my real mother” or “I wish I knew / could live with my father” but what parent is prepared for those perfectly timed verbal slaps?

We are incredibly grateful for the opportunity donor sperm will offer us and I speak for myself (but probably both of us) when I say I am saddened that the sperm bank business is not always as ethical or generous as I believe it could be and that it does seem like they take advantage of people in a vulnerable, often desperate situation. Like many things in life, it could be better (and we should work to make it better) but we are glad we have it at all and would rather have something not-always-so-great than nothing.

TWF

A post, but first thanks for all the well wishes and a toast:

To all of you fine women who are able to maintain some semblance of composure following your first (or any subsequent) IUI, cheers.

To everyone else, after weeks of “Questions of the Week” and cerebral ranting, I finally understand. This isn’t a two week wait. It’s a two week freakout!

“But wait!” you might be saying, didn’t you JUST do the IUI thing yesterday?!

The answer would be yes. And, by doctor’s recommendation and cervix position, we did the same today. But that is no match for the power of Dr. Google, who has been fed such phrases as “nothing on ultrasound after ovulation” and “LH surge no ovulation.” Or for my thermometer, which went LOWER today rather than higher.

Because either the timing was “exquisite” or something was wrong.

And my doctor was good today, though he did not come across as ridiculously optimistic (which is probably more about the fact that there are no guarantees than this being a bad situation). The sperm was good today (we were congratulated on picking such a great donor). And I was good today, except for this nagging feeling of needing some kind of control over a process which has, despite LOTS OF SCIENCE, NO control.

The doctor continues to think good timing or terrible timing. He mentioned that next cycle we might try some drugs “just to get everything more precise” and he shared that if I see fertile signs early, I should definitely call and come in (I wish he would have said that BEFORE this cycle, because I had have had fertile signs this whole week). The whole chatting about the next cycle makes sense (if I get my period, we have to get going ASAP) but is frustrating because I don’t want there to BE a next cycle. I asked the poor man so many questions he cannot answer or cannot answer with much certainty. Was it good timing? Who knows? Is my body broken? Who knows?

Today feels a lot like yesterday but a little less crampy since we didn’t ultrasound. The IUI itself was slightly more annoying (not painful) – I could actually feel that my cervix was not as open.

As of right now, I don’t plan to test for the full two weeks.  I am going to be continuing to temp, however, and also hoping for some other magical signs that mean something more than the dull tension in my uterus from two catheters and a lot of sperm. Oh and hope.

I apologize that this blog for the next two weeks might turn into one long rant. I am trying to have an outlet that I can turn to and then turn away from so I don’t dwell TOO much. 🙂

Buckling down

Although we’ve looked a little, we are now getting into the “time-to-pick-a-bank, can-also-look-more-closely-at-donors” phase.

We definitely want an open donor, which is a PITA because there are way fewer of them. And then when you take into the factors we need (certain medical factors) and those we want (eye color, actually), it narrows them down. And then when you listen to their voices or see their pictures, it REALLY narrows them down.

Until there are none left.

Okay, it’s not that bad. But why did I think that we would just put in the qualities we want and WHAM, there would be the male image of C, ready to give us the closest thing to  C pumping out sperm herself? Okay, I didn’t REALLY believe that, but a girl can hope, right?!

I don’t know if it’s a product of waiting, of not being too close to decision time just yet, or if I’m just anxious, but part of me just wants to eeeny meeny miney mo this ridiculousness… after all, genetic background is only one part of the picture and really doesn’t say which swimmer will meet which fabulous egg.

They can’t ALL be THAT hot…

So for fun last night, wife and I looked at various sperm salespeople… and paid particularly attention to the descriptions they gave of the donors.

“Ruggedly handsome”

“Boy-next-door good looks”

“Looks like an NFL player”

I know to take a lot of the non-factual donor information (anything other than blood type, CMV status, etc.) with a grain of salt… but c’mon! It’s a little ridiculous when you have clearly assembled the ARMY OF PERFECT MEN and they ALL donate.

Are there any honest banks out there?