But it sure FEELS like it sometimes.
As friends consider ttc or begin to ttc or start families of their own because they don’t need to ttc, I find myself in this race that I did not realize I was going to run.
It was true before we decided to take the steps to try and it was true in the months we got physically ready to try but now more than ever, it is true: I want to beat you into pregnancy, into motherhood. And, if I am being honest, I have a real sense of entitlement about it, too, like because I have been thinking about it for a year, waiting for six months, trying for two cycles, like because I have been with my partner for almost a decade and because we have as many things going for us as we can at our age in terms of being prepared for parenthood, I should be “winning.”
I can’t put my finger on why I want to “win” except for this idea that if I have wanted it longer and have worked for it longer, why should you get to go first? And because once people become parents, they enter this super special club of knowledge that dates back to them becoming parents – a seniority of child-rearing, if you will. And there are some folks I am glad to follow behind and some that I can’t imagine following.
This is a part of the bitterness mentioned in yesterday’s post and, when taken with “what-if-this-never-works” really puts me in a funk. The rational part of me recognizes that many of these thoughts are neither accurate nor helpful but who said anything was rational about ttc?
Today is 17DPO but all signs say it will be CD1. I have this (likely coincidental) history of having bad news on cloudy / rainy days. After several days of sunshine, this morning’s weather? Rainy.