Tomorrow marks two weeks until our ultrasound. I have to see the doctor tomorrow to get a note for work (yes it’s early, yes it’s necessary) and it is going to take everything I have not to bump that appointment up a little sooner (it’s scheduled for 7w3d). It’s like taking a pregnancy test. I want to wait, I don’t want to wait, I want to wait, I don’t want to wait.
Right now I have enlarged and somewhat tender breasts, extreme bloating (“is she pregnant?” kind of bloating – it’s massive), occasional lower back pain and that’s pretty much it. I was tired last night but no overwhelming fatigue, I am sometimes a little tiny bit nauseous (that might be psychosomatic). And that’s all. I’m trying to avoid wishing symptoms upon myself because I’m sure I’ll regret it when I get them, if I get them. My mother “never felt better” during her pregnancies… maybe I’ll take after her.
I hope that you all have great weekends!
(this has been a post in my head for about a week, so it might seem a bit out of order)
In the course of TTC, I have not historically been one to notice too many signs, partially because I don’t notice them but more because of a fear that I would lose all sense of hope if I DID notice a plethora of signs only to have another negative. That being said, I was not above asking the universe for signs anyway, thinking with all the magical thinking in the world that if the sign was big enough, I would just KNOW.
During the first two months, I did not really notice too many of these “signs” but during this past try, I had three important ones:
- The lady on my walk. One day into this cycle (I don’t remember if it was before or after trying), a random woman stopped me and my dog on our walk and began talking to us. During the conversation, which was rambly and strange anyhow, she mentioned at least three times something about her own pregnancies, as though I was part of a club and would understand. It was odd, but I chalked it up to the hoodie I was wearing that might have made me look pregnant (though I didn’t think it did!)
- The radio on insem day. For years now, I’ve played a game with my car radio where I ask it a question and listen to the song for a message, often using a 300 song MP3 CD as the basis. Sometimes the results have been dead on (C and I were arguing one night and I asked it something about what I should do and the song that came back was “mama said there’d be days like this.”) so I keep asking it questions (yes, I realize this sounds strange; no I don’t plan on stopping). On the day of one of our insems (I think it was the second one), I asked on the way to work something vague like “send me a sign.” I pushed a radio station button and heard a song with the word baby in it. I changed it again to a different station and heard baby repeatedly. I changed it again and heard baby a third time. C hypothesized that lots and lots of songs have the word baby in them, but I have tried this again without the same results (the word baby within 10 seconds on stations of a variety of genres).
- The numbers. Sometimes this past month, I began to see the number eleven all over the place. At first it was just on clocks (eleven eleven, one eleven). Then it was on my e-mail at work (111 e-mails, anyone?). I continued to see these numbers on a regular basis and while there is the possibility that I could be anticipating numbers coming at this point, it often happens when I was not even thinking about the clock and has happened on clocks that aren’t set properly (eleven eleven shows up on my car radio clock, for example, which is at least twelve hours off and doesn’t always even show what time it is). The internet tells me that I might be talking with aliens or that I might be some kind of magic helper for the end times, but my gut kept telling me that this month and year matched with the numbers I have been seeing.
So these are my signs. They were bizarre enough that even during the try I was taking them to mean something. And important enough to me that I wanted to document them somewhere before I forgot 🙂
… I called the doctor yesterday to ask whether our timing was okay.
I thought it was fine – right after and thirty hours after positive OPK… but yesterday FF was insistent that I had in fact O’d the day before the positive OPK… solid line certainty, not even a dotted line to give me some comfort.
In the first two tries, I would have just scoured the Internet, reading both horror and helpful stories that would do nothing to ease my mind. This try, I did some of that and then realized that am working with an expert who knows me and my body, so why not just call.
So I did and he was helpful, reassuring me that there would be no way that I would have had the other physical factors present had I already ovulated, That our timing was good. And that we can always Monday morning quarterback tries but really we do the best we can every cycle.
I continue to search the Internet from time to time as though if I ask enough questions, a search engine will respond like a magic 8 ball with whether this try worked. I feel less anxious overall than during the first two tries but that does not mean I don’t want to know yesterday. I am spending more of my mental energy preparing myself for potential failure as I should know right around Thanksgiving and that’s the kind of news that could make or completely break a holiday regardless of preparation for the worst.
Came home tonight to “fertility surprises” from my wife which included lilies, salad, an avocado wrap, and whole (chocolate) milk… random fertility foods and flowers as listed somewhere on the information highway. Pure awesomeness since today was a schedule of work iui work again.
I am so hopeful that this is the one but even if it is not, I am pretty lucky 🙂
IUI yesterday and today. Timing seems just about perfect but then again, I never ever seem to be able to trust the timing and my temperature charts look pretty ridiculous.
I was pretty annoyed at the doctor yesterday, who first asked if we had tried last month ( uh, no, you put us on a break) and then sighed when he saw my (perfect! Fabulous! Damn near textbook!) chart from the skipped cycle. I am still glad we took the break – it was needed and healthy- but COME ON.
I wish I felt confident… it’s not that I’m not, entirely, it’s just that I won’t know how to feel until I see my chart in the coming days… and even then, I won’t know what to think. I am irritated that this is all so expensive and yet there is no sure fire way to know much of anything outside of an approximation.
I am really not quite as melancholy as this post sounds, at least not all of the time.
Anyway, time for work!
It’s too early for my taste (11 DPO) but I’m not sure I ever want to test this cycle. If it’s positive, I’m sure that will be wonderful, but if it’s not, I don’t want to know. And since I’m not planning on testing “early” this cycle, any test I do is bound to be more accurate, which means even more sadness if it’s a BFN.
We wandered through the baby section of a store tonight which, despite a year since beginning to consider, seven months since working toward trying, and seven-almost-eight weeks since beginning to try, we have never really done before. It was bittersweet and not as much fun as I imagine it will be hopefully sometime soon. There are TONS of crazy cute things out there, though. I can’t wait to REALLY get to browse 🙂
If I was going to make a “TWW Survival Kit” full of both tangible and intangible TWW supports, my two must-include items would be busy-ness and distraction.
The busy part I had covered for the first part of this week. It was an incredibly crazy (but mostly stress-free) week at work and I didn’t have time to BREATHE, let alone think about what all might be happening inside my body. I have never been so grateful for a workweek full of busy.
The distraction is busy’s close companion and necessary for almost everything outside of work. And while some of the distraction is free (cleaning the house, playing endless games of spider solitaire while zoning out to music, watching bad television), the stuff that really works, especially in the middle of the day, costs money. There was the road trip last Saturday, the shopping trip on Sunday, the movies on Monday night, the dinner we went to this evening, the movies we’ll be seeing tomorrow (a record for me, as I go to about 2 movies a YEAR).
To some of you, this might sound like nothing. But for me, as a frugal woman who generally enjoys puttering around the house, reading books, walking the dog, and engaging in anything free there is a LOT going on. And while the costs are minimal compared to TTC, they add up after paying the doctor and the bank.
That being said, for perhaps the first time in my life, I am generally unconcerned about expenses. I have a general sense that money is quickly funneling out of our house in both large and small chunks… but that’s about as far as I can allow my concern to go at the minute. And that’s okay.