… to a lesbian conception adventure!

Posts tagged ‘waiting’

Still waiting :)

Made it through another full week of work with no appearance of the Cub.

Really, outside of the awesomeness of meeting this little person, there really isn’t a compelling reason I’m begging for an appearance just yet – except for the fact that I would prefer not to go to work on Monday.  Having had occasional (likely gas) pains the past few days, I’m also a little anxious to know what the start of labor will feel like.  And it’s weird to wonder with every twinge and movement – “is this the beginning of something?”  Poor Dr. G.oo.gle has gotten lots of questions about back pain and labor or twinges and labor or decreased/increased fetal movement and labor.  It’s become a bit of a pastime for me when I’m not doing other things.

I’ve gained more weight this week and the midwife – the only one who ever comments on my weight – noted when I said that I honestly don’t know where it’s coming from (I don’t – I’m not eating significantly more, I’ve been walking around and moving, etc.) “Well, you’re not gonna push out a 45 pound baby.”  Thanks. I realize that.  And I don’t need you contributing to any body image issues I’ll have after the Cub is born (I’m hoping they won’t be many, as I’ve loved and continue to love my body through pregnancy, but non-pregnant belly is a lot different than pregnant belly).  C has always loved my body regardless of shape, but I’ve already “placed an order” for additional affirmation about my body post-baby because I hate to be one of those women who is asking “what do you think of my body?!” but I also am going to need to hear the “you’re body is awesome!”

You know, maybe if I make more plans, the Cub will decide it’s time to interrupt them!  So this weekend, I plan to do the following:

  • Put at least SOME things in our hospital bag (yeah, yeah, it’s not packed at all yet)
  • Clean the office AGAIN
  • Hang one of the wall hangings and a couple shelves in the nursery
  • Put away clean laundry
  • Purchase more for-when-after-the-baby-is-here food.
  • Add movies / shows to queue for watching during maternity leave
  • Dream about the late summer / fall with the Cub: festivals, holidays, pumpkins, gatherings, pretty leafy walks 🙂

 

 

39 Weeks!

One week left! Or two days! Or 21 days!  Who knows?

Pregnancy signs this week have been mostly the same old, same old.  Some swelling (though less with tons of walking, oddly enough), lots of wiggly-moving-stretchy-baby, some minor heartburn.  BH contractions seem to have increased and some have a mildly uncomfortable element to them.  I’ve also had some mild cramping that leaves me thinking “is this the start?” but it never seems to be.  It seems to me that the baby has dropped (I can’t see my belly button in my bathroom mirror any more) but I can’t say I’m have significantly more discomfort than I was prior to the “dropping” and so I’m not sure if it’s actually occurred and I’m lucky or if it has not occurred at all.

We enjoyed ourselves this past weekend making last minute baby purchases, spending time at a festival, and enjoying our together alone time in significantly cooler weather than what we’ve been facing the last several weeks.  We were probably hoping it was a last hurrah though it’s likely it was a second-to-last (third-to-last?) hurrah!  I guess we’ll see 🙂

Meanwhile, everyone else is getting antsy and excited and ready to hear the good news any day now.  Parents are reminding us of where they can be reached in case there needs to be a sudden check-in, siblings are sharing their enthusiasm, and coworkers are constantly surprised by my presence at work (“You’re still here!?” they say in surprise and wonder).  Mostly everyone thinks I’ll go soon, but I think that is mostly wishful thinking / surprise at my size.  We’ve dodged many birthdays of friends and family and I kind of hope to keep dodging them – I like the idea of the Cub’s own day (though some folks like the idea of sharing their day with the Cub).

I keep wondering what labor will be like, what it will feel like, and how I’ll handle it.  It’s so hard to know until you’ve been there and while so many women so willingly share their stories, no two stories are alike and no one can share all the feelings, emotions, etc. that they experienced.  I am hoping to be a trooper and work with the pain and the baby and have as calm a birth as possible but I’m also very aware that that might not be possible.  So we wait and see.

The only other thing going on is that we are working – document by document – on second parent adoption.  I feel strongly that I should have just videotaped C trying to make dinners during the first trimester. Or her support TTC. Or the love and care that she will be showing our baby from the moment of birth.  And that that should be sufficient.  But apparently it won’t be and we need to prove ourselves in every conceivable way – financially, with family support letters, etc. etc.  That being said, the adoption day will provide us with an opportunity to celebrate (even if it changes little about our interpersonal relationship with the Cub) and who doesn’t like celebrating?  Maybe we can have cake!

Hope you all are having a good week!

On Deck

I know several women who are/were due around the same time as me.  One had her baby last week at 37 weeks, one had her baby today just past 40 weeks, and two with whom I work are due shortly after I am (and as far as I know have not had their babies yet).

Now that two babies have been born (and the only one due before mine was born), I officially feel “on deck” to have this baby.  And I am getting anxious.  Not anxious scared, but anxious excited. Anxious-ready-to-be-done-with-work. Anxious-wondering-what-it-will-be-like-when-it-begins.  I am still fine with the pregnancy overall (still sleeping okay, still moving around okay, still feeling okay, so really for me it’s just waiting and being ready. At all times.

C is also ready, though she keeps finding little things that need to be done prior to the Cub arriving and when I share my readiness, she reminds me of some of the little things that would be nice to have done.  But at this point, with pretty much everything in place, it’s hard for me not to think of it the way I thought of TTC in the first place – you’re never gonna be all the way ready, so get yourself as prepared as you can and go for it.

One thing that keeps striking me, in terms of “being ready” is that while this feels like planning a wedding or a vacation, there is not a clear start and end and we do not need to have everything 100% ready to go.  It’s not like baby will be born and suddenly we won’t have access to all of the items we might need, housed in 24 hour big box stores.  We want to be ready, but we don’t need to be so prepared that we have left nothing out – and even if we felt that way, we still wouldn’t be 100% prepared.

So anyway, I’m on deck.  Ready to go (especially ready to leave work for my “vacation”) but prepared that we could have another 20+ days.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the perks of almost motherhood, including people asking me in parking lots how far along I am and expressing surprise (because I’m out and about? because it’s so close?) when I note that I’m due in about a week.

A different kind of TWW

Tomorrow marks two weeks until our ultrasound. I have to see the doctor tomorrow to get a note for work (yes it’s early, yes it’s necessary) and it is going to take everything I have not to bump that appointment up a little sooner (it’s scheduled for 7w3d). It’s like taking a pregnancy test. I want to wait, I don’t want to wait, I want to wait, I don’t want to wait.

Right now I have enlarged and somewhat tender breasts, extreme bloating (“is she pregnant?” kind of bloating – it’s massive), occasional lower back pain and that’s pretty much it. I was tired last night but no overwhelming fatigue, I am sometimes a little tiny bit nauseous (that might be psychosomatic). And that’s all. I’m trying to avoid wishing symptoms upon myself because I’m sure I’ll regret it when I get them, if I get them. My mother “never felt better” during her pregnancies… maybe I’ll take after her.

I hope that you all have great weekends!

 

Still

Waiting. CD 17. Annoyed about the best laid plans… Likely going in on (stressful) work days even though I had a three day weekend based on timing of previous cycles. RE seems unperturbed by phone, so we have not gone in, though he made it clear he is around all weekend.

This is one time when I, more than ever, would recommend charting. While I am anxious that I will miss the surge (as evidenced by my trashcan full of discarded OPKS), there has been no thermal shift and I am certain that I have not missed it yet. I also have ten months of charts that remind me just how weird my ovulation on CD 14 or 15 during the past few months actually was and that show me that I often have a temperature dip a couple days before ovulation.

Please remind me that it possible to get pregnant even when you have to go back to stressful work situations. My boss is out all this week, I will be doing her job and mine, making some really tough decisions, and hoping for the best. Over and over. I am stressed thinking about the stress and its impact on my body and a bit angry and annoyed that I can’t have better timing.

Just keep waiting, waiting, waiting…

CD 15, no +OPK, starting to go a little stir crazy.

To be fair, over my nine month charting history (seven of which have included OPKs), it has only recently been the case that my OPKs turned on or before day 15. Over last spring and into the summer, they sometimes did not turn until day 17 or, at the latest, day 19. And I do have a fairly strong history of cycle changes depending on the season.

I have had some color on a couple of them, but that seems to have faded in more recent tests (a byproduct of meds, perhaps?).

I think I will call the doctor today, see what he wants to do, get him prepped for a potential weekend of fun (which is okay with me – more time off to lay around!). Part of me wants to run right in and see him, but the one thing I do NOT want to do is jump the gun because we’re anxious. I think were early during our last try and that made the TWW much more blah than in had to be.

All I’m saying is last month, I got my positive OPK on day 13, a clear ovulation on day 14 and why-were-we-taking-a-break-again?!!?

🙂 Hope you all have a great Thursday!

Introspection

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Took a couple mile nature walk with Wonderdog today, our third such walk alone in the past month. There are multiple purposes of our walks: dog and I get exercise, we get to see the now- more-limited sunshine, I get some quiet reflective time. I also work off some of the anxiety I may be feeling on any given day, a definite plus.

While I accomplished very little on my big ol’ list of break activities, I think that who a break ultimately did was bring me back to the pre-trying place of introspection (which is best known for such posts as “medicalization of conception” and every question of the week). Instead of being a victim of the cycle of tryaftertry, I am in control again and I am deciding what comes next. And I am thinking about it more deeply instead of just going along for the ride.

This week is all about catching the positive OPK before we try – and wait – again. We are both feeling good about November, for whatever that is worth, and I think we are as relaxed and prepared as we can be. I purposefully scheduled a lighter week at work for myself and while I do want to get this show on the road, I would be mighty happy if the timing allowed for a closer-to-the-end-of-week try.

I would be lying if I said that the introspection did not include consideration of the fact that I would be into my second trimester if we had succeeded on try #1 or that if we test positive this time, it would make for an amazing Thanksgiving. We would be solidly into the second trimester by Valentine’s day and I would have the summer pregnancy I originally thought I might avoid. I do think I am doing better stopping myself from dwelling on a sense of loss or premonition, but I can’t stop every thought and I’m not sure I would want to even if I could.